The Perils of the Dating Swamp

I'm sick of trudging through the dating swamp, picking up warty toad after toad in pursuit of a prince. I'm up to my eyeballs in muck and I am losing what little patience I have left. Am I destined to become the exception to the rule that everyone has another half, doomed to wander in this swamp forever? Even 'swamp people' have someone!  I'm just finished with the games, the drama, and with feeling like I'm not worthy enough to be pursued.
 Please. I'm not a super model, but I'm pretty fantastic.
Why can't any guy who is NORMAL see that?
Ugh.

I just want to be okay

*DISCLOSURE* I'm apologize in advance for the avalanche of word vomit about to ensue. Close the tab now while you still have a chance! 
Is it okay that I don't feel okay?
Is it okay to just start spouting obvious lies like 'This summer I'm running away with the circus to become an acrobat because I enjoy hanging from vertical bars a hundred feet in the air.', 'I'm really a fairy from a mystical land, but I was placed in this wretched place by an evil queen.' "I'm allergic to the sun, so I have to live with my parents." Or 'I'm hopping on a plane to Belarus to become a bar wench because its a bit less embarrassing  than my current reality.' ?
I know that I'm blessed to live in a free country, in a home with air conditioning and food in the pantry. I know that I'm lucky I don't have to pay rent right now. I have the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life.
But I'm not happy.
I feel alone. I feel anxious and extremely frustrated. I feel angry, sad, lost, and restless all at once.  I hate that I'm human but am too proud to admit that I need people sometimes. I hate that I feel this way.  I want a  best friend. Someone to hug me, BE HERE WITH ME, not judge me for my obvious imperfection, and help remind me of where I'm going.
I want a new adventure. I want a new city, where no one knows my name. I want to feel the wind blowing through my hair and the sea breeze caressing my face again.
I want to permanently break the chains that are holding me here. I want to not be afraid of freedom.
I want to stop feeling like a total failure all the time. I know its all up to me.
But I need to know if it's okay to feel like this? Am I justified in feeling completely and utterly trapped? Like all my light is being squelched and that I am supposed to fade into the shadows, never to re-emerge?
I know I shouldn't wallow. I should just try to see the bright side, look forward, and stop being such a sissy. I am the feminist saying that I am going to make my own happy ending. But is it okay to just throw myself on an inanimate object and cry like my Disney princess counterparts? I'm so tired of having to be strong, of having to fix EVERYTHING all the time. I'm sick of being overlooked, of giving all that I have and no one caring. I want so bad to have something concrete in my life. I'm sick of mourning. For my heart hurting so bad that I can't breathe. I'm sick of having to be brave when I don't want to be and having to lie to myself to make it through the day. I'm sick of being scared. I'm sick of the me that I currently am. I'm sick of feeling like it'd take a miracle to fix me and everything else, so I get overwhelmed and don't.  I know I am meant to do so much more, to be so much more. I'm just...not.

I'm sick of pretending, of making myself believe things that simply aren't true.  I'm not okay.
I'm not okay today.

Adrift, Wandering, Wayward, or in Layman's Terms...

lost:

 

[lawst, lost] adjective
1.no longer possessed or retained: lost friends.
2.no longer to be found: lost articles.
3.having gone astray or missed the way; bewildered as to place, direction, etc.: lost children.
4.not used to good purpose, as opportunities, time, or labor; wasted: a lost advantage.
5.being something that someone has failed to win: a lost prize.
6.ending in or attended with defeat: a lost battle.
7.destroyed or ruined: lost ships.
8.preoccupied; rapt: He seems lost in thought.
9.distracted; distraught; desperate; hopeless: the lost look of a man trapped and afraid.

Well folks, as beautifully illustrated by the definition and preceding images, one may infer that the overall theme of this post would be about me being "lost".  

In case you didn't quite understand from the illustrations depicted above.

 And sadly, succinctly describes the wrenching in my heart.   

Oh, and clearly the brilliance of the one and only Sara B. 

Like my present state, my mind seems to follow- just swimming in the swirling vortex of everything and nothing- bewildered, dizzy, tired. Senses dulled, my pulse a crawling dirge.  I'm just existing and longing for better things, in a state of perplexed  pretending, awaiting for my heroine half to emerge on fiery wings to liberate the captive so desperately looking for a way out... a yellow brick road... a sign from God.

Oh Valentine's Day

I honestly believe that my general feelings of animosity would not change even if i had a 'valentine' to share this day with. I don't wish to be cynical or anything, but hey. It's my nature, right? Every Valentine's feels like I waltzed into a free love parade. I hate that there has to be a day devoted to extravagance, heart shaped boxes, gooshy cards full of fluff, sex products and enough hideous stuffed animals to scare away any all the babies in Guatemala.
 Its sad that our country has to celebrate a NATIONAL holiday to remember to 'love' people. I hate that valentine's has turned into the 'cure all' day-That it doesn't matter if I'm a jerk all year, I can make it all up on Valentines. There is so much pressure on Valentines, to be significantly better than the year before, to put up more pomp, to give more romantic gifts.
Why does love have to be commercialized? I want a guy to bring me flowers because he saw them and thought of me, not because of a social pressure. Love (or its evil twin who often appears in incognito, Lust) shouldn't wait to be expressed one day of the year. We already have enough uh oh babies. (Not that I don't love them)  We've been blessed with a wonderfully short duration on this earth. If you love someone, don't wait until days like today to show someone that you do. I mean, by all means, if you were going to anyway and today just happens to be the day you express it, then good for you, but don't let today be the exception. I hope that your day is a good one, in remembrance of those that you do love. And for those without a special someone, Happy Independence day! Peace, Love and all that jazz.