Puzzled.

                                  

I feel like I'm wandering through a picture as a fraudulent player. As if I'm walking in a reality that belongs to everyone else I see but me. Everyone has a place, a purpose, a home, where they  reside, thrive, belong. As I walk along, gazing into the lives of those who surround me, I feel like an intruder, observing special moments I shouldn't see. I'm surrounded by amazing friends, but that doesn't fill the void pulsating in the pit of my stomach that I don't belong here, like a homing device is going haywire in my chest pulling me everywhere and anywhere but here.

 Its like I'm a background piece of a puzzle, with similar foliage and coloring, but the edges don't align, no matter how hard you manipulate the situation. I'm in a phase of my life where it's hard to relate to others around me, especially since I've been "blessed" with such unique and difficult circumstances. Everyone exists in their perfect universe and when you don't live up the expectations of that universe, you're shunned, labeled, treated inferior. So you ignore it, brush it off, and keep pretending and/or move on in search of your pieces elsewhere.

 Days like today I want to throw my hands in the air and jump on a bus, plane, train heading to a bright horizon, a new start, preferably to Boston or New York or Bermuda where no one knows my name, my story, or anything that I've ever done or not done. Where I can have another chance to find out if I fit in another picture and be an actual player in the beauty instead of feeling like a washed-up fraud or an intrusive observer.  I guess that this is what being homeless must be like; forced to wander without knowing how long you'll have your bases covered and if you'll make it through , never fitting really, just existing like a fly on a wall. It's not ideal, but it's what I've got.  In the meantime, I'll make the best of this. I'll find my road, my new adventure. I'll get by another day knowing that someday I'll fit.  And that's enough, I guess. It has to be. 

A serious case of wanderlust...

Yep. That's right, readers. I've been infected with a terrible, awful disease. Its metastasized to all of my organs and has reduced my brain to merely 20% of its normal function. I have what they call a deadly case of wanderlust. Like some of those infected with this disease, I've tried to act like there is absolutely nothing wrong with me, like the last thing I want to do is daydream about a far off place. But, I'm now a ticking time bomb and could be a potential danger to those I love most. I need a vacation. And  I need one fast!

I know, I know. This is where people chime in and say " But Heather, aren't you being a bit greedy? Wasn't it YOU who went on a cruise last MONTH?!"  To this I must reply that in hopes of curing my condition I did in fact go on a cruise last month. Alas, the treatment didn't take and in turn fed my disease, leaving me in a far worse state than before! It takes all that I have to not pack everything I own into a small rucksack, sell a couple organs, and fly around the world.  

Earlier this evening, my dad and I drove out to see my sister and her family at their hotel. It was located across the street from the Salt Lake International Airport, with the tarmac only mere yards away from the lobby.  Planes were landing and taking off into the sunset and all of a sudden and the whole world just seemed to stop. My heart leaped. It wrenched in agony and I gasped for air. It felt as though my heart was going to break through cozy barrier behind my ribs with suitcases in hand, jump on the plane soaring into the sun's setting rays, and never return.  (Wouldn't that be nice? I wouldn't have to feel anything terrible anymore and my heart could get a tan in Bora Bora. ) 

Exactly like that. But add a straw hat and ridiculous Hawaiian shirt.  Oh, and a virgin mojito  in a coconut. And yes, its a virgin. My little heart is still responsible.

I began to envy my heart and feel sorry for the battered little guy all at the same time. I wished for the same freedom and slight naivety that compelled my heart to essentially 'screw everything' and just leave, and I felt sorry for all the hard, terrible stuff  it'd been through in the last year alone, not to mention lifetime.  It's interesting how a mere moment can send you for a loop.
This evening has left me with questions, frustration, and a big ole helping of restlessness. My life would be so much easier if I wasn't a free spirit, but I guess it wouldn't be MY life. We're molded by these moments. It's what we decide to do with these moments, these realizations, that define our true character. How many of these moments have I allowed to flit through my fingers because I'm too scared or apathetic to receive them? I'm a creature who craves some sort of resolution in my life- but I think for tonight I will continue to brood in my stupor of thought and hope for a highly unlikely windfall. Or being slapped repeatedly with the opportunity stick.

Hold on your hearts, friends. Try not to get what I have...the only cure can be found in the high mountains of the Andes, the Great Barrier Reef, and the grassy plains of Africa. It wouldn't hurt to look in Italy. Even if it wasn't there, you'd still get fed. I mean, REALLY fed.
Until next time, readers.