Lost.

I'm feeling apprehensive, swimming in a sea of doubt while the gulls of reality ceaselessly try to peck out my eyes with their thoughts of reason. Just as the torture seems to ebb, the gulls swarm and dive again, cutting deeper. I just can't seem to wrap my head around it. England seemed so perfect- I was going to go, live life in a different world, meet new people, start out fresh, with no predispositions, expectations. Now...? I'm not so sure. I'm looking at all my options, trying to keep enduring and do all that I can- I'm keeping the commandments, attending the temple as often as I can, praying, reading my scriptures and trying my very best, but I cant seem to find direction. How could something that felt SO right be completely wrong? I really didn't want to go through another 'Maine' situation. I just feel so lost. I have no idea what to do with my life if I don't go. All I want is to be happy, to experience life to the fullest and help people along the way. I can do so much good! There are lots of different options, I just don't know which one the Lord wants me to do. I just hate telling people that I'm going to go and do something and not do it. I feel like I'm quitting, letting a dream die and crash into oblivion. I hate that word, worse than the dirtiest curse word you know. I don't quit. It almost seems like I don't have the guts to stick to my guns, to follow through. I just don't want to fade into the woodwork and become like everybody else. I want to learn and experience things for myself, see the world and reach for the stars. By not doing this it feels like I'm doing just that-quitting, throwing in the towel, surrendering and going against everything in my heart wants.That's all I've ever done, because I had to. I hate it. So much. The only reason I kept going, dreaming and trying was for the hope that someday I would be able to reach for the stars. The opportunities keep slipping through my fingers. I feel like a failure.

I command you....Creative juices flow!

Oh hey! :) I'm posting at this unearthly hour, trying to get my creative juices flowing. You see, I have this horrid English paper due tomorrow morning that I haven't even began working on. I have no clue how to tackle this monstrosity or what to even say. I have to write about a legitimate problem and Cedar City and propose a solution to that problem that is cost effective and will be good for the citizens of this city. UGG!!! That man. YOU propose a freaking solution!!! haha That's the extent of anger I have energy to portray at this point in time. Anyway, I digress. Life has been pretty insane lately with classes and drama. Despite procrastinating, running away from boys and various responsibilities, the Lord has blessed me in so many ways. I've been blessed with the wonderful knowledge of the gospel, and the ability to show others around me that I am a disciple of Jesus Christ. I've been blessed to live in such a beautiful place, surrounded by good friends and a great ward family. I live in close proximity to a temple where I can help perform his various ordinances for those that have passed on and feel the wonderful influence of his spirit as I serve Him there. I have a testimony of the restored gospel, Jesus Christ, and the Book of Mormon and know personally of Heavenly Father's love for me and know that he has a plan specifically for me. I have a roof over my head, clothing, food and my health. What more could I ask for? I'm truly blessed. This is such a wonderful time, a time of thanks, gratitude and reflection. Let us not forget what the Lord has given us, what He does for us every second of every day. Without him, we wouldn't be. I'm eternally grateful for him. Thank you all for your love and support always. xo