My Own Tragic Comedy:Life and Vulnerability

I often wait for parts of my life to be sparkling and pristine before I divulge to my readers what life looks like for me, but I'm finding that it just isn't realistic if I want to keep up a blog. Most importantly, I won't ever share any parts of my life if that's the case. More and more I feel like I'm leading a tragic comedy, with each painful instance pulsating and reverberating the void, perpetuating the idea that I'll always be falling in a ditch somewhere...alone, tripping up the stairs and spilling my neighbor's coffee on accident...alone, and after declaring my love, ending up alone.

I get these notions that certain events are going to occur, and they end up hilariously underwhelming. For instance, I somehow imagined that things were improving the realm of men and that I may have the odd chance of getting smooched. I did, but I was attacked by a old friend with down-syndrome who got the wrong idea about what a friendship really looks like. The week before this, I was asked to be someone's girlfriend five times in the space of twenty minutes. Unfortunately, he didn't quite get the hint and he wasn't exactly the type of man I'd like to be mine for eternity. I promised him a date with a girl that I knew and I'm praying that this magical girl will appear sometime VERY soon so I can avoid more unpleasant circumstances like this in the very near future.

Also, I'd been planning on having a very serious, emotional conversation with a friend Thursday night and was planning on using the next day to cry if things didn't go as planned. Life has a funny way of giving you things you plan for in unexpected ways. I did use all of Friday to cry, but it was for very different reasons. My incredible uncle Peter quietly slipped through the veil  Thursday night. I had worked for 12 hours and was headed over to hear my kid from New York open his mission call when I saw my mom's face light up on my phone. She told me that he died alone and my heart burst into a hundred pieces. Not Peter. I walked in and feigned overwhelming joy when Austin opened his call. I was so proud of him, and it was so good to see Kristina, but her eyes. Suzy's eyes. More pain.  I went over to my friend's house and cried holding my broken heart. I sat on his couch and stared up at him, finding it ironic that I'd imagined myself in the exact same place, but crying over him, not my uncle.

The next day I felt numb. I couldn't move, couldn't breathe. All the emotion I'd been carrying for so long collapsed, crushing me. I lay immobilized in my bed and didn't get up for hours. I've been running on fumes since then, emotions and thoughts everywhere and nowhere. More quiet blows of life hit since then. Today I lay in my bed for hours and skipped church and all other obligations and cooked-trying to create beauty from the mess inside my mind.

I made a lot of food.

My roommates did not complain.

After stifling and ignoring emotions again, I attempted to write, and then got sucked into the idea that everything had to be perfect, and then I got lost in the  thought of who I am writing for. One of those people was always Peter-a man who believed I could write anything and be anything. Now I'm not so sure.  I've been struggling with this idea of vulnerability-  what it really means, what it entails, what it looks like, and how to just let go.  I know that I can't get anywhere I want without it. It's just...so hard. This means being honest, running the risk of being a burden, allowing people to see all of me and gracefully allowing the consequences to happen. This means allowing myself the opportunity to be loved. (It's taking a lot of vulnerability to post this)

I can only continue to live the life I've been given now. Sometimes that means not being okay for a few days. For now, I will try to communicate the best I can, focus on the plan of salvation, try and keep up with school during all of this, pray for strength and to be open to these difficult life lessons, and breathe. It's all I can do. Until then, prayers would be appreciated. Most importantly, Keep my Aunt Kathy in your prayers. She is the most incredible woman I know and she could use the love and support at this time.


Facebook Post from Friday.

My beloved uncle Peter quietly passed beyond the veil last night. Thank you Peter for always making me laugh, for always loving me and believing in the beauty of my dreams when I may not have believed they were possible. Thank you for taking the time to see me and my inner brilliance when I felt small and overlooked. Thank you for your perseverance, your on point humor, and for unashamedly being you. You definitely are one of my heroes! I love you. Rest in peace. Your giant heart and spirit will be greatly missed

 — with Kathy Harnett and Peter Harnett.

Angst and Anxiety in August

My dear readers. Things of late have been completely psychotic, to the point where I look at the sky with my arms outstretched and ask "Father, you think that I can do THIS? How!?" It seems as though I'm starting to get swallowed up in the eddies swooping overhead. I'm overwhelmed, my back is completely out, I'm grouchy, my hair is falling out in palm-fulls, my acne is coming back full force and I just may be heading into an OCD overload because I'm up to ears in garbage- literal and metaphorical. I just have no idea what or how I'm going to do in the upcoming weeks, let alone tomorrow. oh. and my grandfather will probably die within the week.  Help?

Later...Like a 24 hour period later....

 Ok...so I had a baby breakdown, but I'm doing better now. As far as updates go, things still look that bleak, but its okay! For those who do not know, I had to move back to Lehi, Utah to help my parents physically and financially for a time. My dad had back surgery this morning and will be out for 8 weeks or so and my mother suffers from Multiple Sclerosis and her condition is proving to grow and grow worse with much more recovery time as she nears what is ultimately the end of her journey here on this earth. So, its up to me, which proves stressful for anyone, but especially a 21 year old girl. I don't exactly know how long I'll be here in the Lehi area, but I have faith that this is where I'm supposed to be for the time being. I had a job interview today on top of everything else, and it actually went well, so I'm hoping that I'll get the position!  I'll keep you updated on everything. Thank you for your support, love and concern every step of the way! Until next time, pray for me? 

Hair Fiasco of the Century

Hello friends. So, I received a GIANT piece of humble pie today. I let my mother die my hair. Lets just say it didn't exactly take the way I anticipated. Actually, it looked like I dunked my head into a giant vat of maraschino cherries, then had demon babies eat all the cherries, throw them up on my head and forever burn the color on my once beautiful mane. Yes. It was THAT bad.  I have proof. Please. Feel free to laugh. hysterically.

SEE?!?!?

My mom said i looked like a crazed scottswoman in this hat

Need I say more? Awful. Absolutely Awful. 

So, after sending a pic to Te, we jumped in my car, braved Target and picked up heavy duty hair dye, about the same color of ink. However, in the process of fixing the disaster, we happened to run out of hair dye. Te went to grab some more, little did we know that time was not on our side. When she came back with hair dye in hand, it was already 3:30 and Te had to work at 4. I was supposed to meet my dad for a hair appointment at 4 as well, so we slathered on some more really fast, waited five minutes and rinsed it anyway. I got in my car and saw i still had big chunks of red left.I was not a happy camper. Not to mention, My dad wasn't at Paul Mitchell, so i drove home looking and feeling more and more like an emotional gothic teenager filled with angst. When I walked in, my brother looked at my hair, and basically told me that I looked like a prostitute with my new hair do. Aren't brothers the best thing in the world!?

Lying in wait for the remaining hair dye, looking hard core, Pic 2=not a happy camper

I am praying desperately for a miracle. I have a hair appointment at 7:30 tonight to try and fix this. I will post results. Comment. I want to hear your exasperated cries and laughs.

Lost.

I'm feeling apprehensive, swimming in a sea of doubt while the gulls of reality ceaselessly try to peck out my eyes with their thoughts of reason. Just as the torture seems to ebb, the gulls swarm and dive again, cutting deeper. I just can't seem to wrap my head around it. England seemed so perfect- I was going to go, live life in a different world, meet new people, start out fresh, with no predispositions, expectations. Now...? I'm not so sure. I'm looking at all my options, trying to keep enduring and do all that I can- I'm keeping the commandments, attending the temple as often as I can, praying, reading my scriptures and trying my very best, but I cant seem to find direction. How could something that felt SO right be completely wrong? I really didn't want to go through another 'Maine' situation. I just feel so lost. I have no idea what to do with my life if I don't go. All I want is to be happy, to experience life to the fullest and help people along the way. I can do so much good! There are lots of different options, I just don't know which one the Lord wants me to do. I just hate telling people that I'm going to go and do something and not do it. I feel like I'm quitting, letting a dream die and crash into oblivion. I hate that word, worse than the dirtiest curse word you know. I don't quit. It almost seems like I don't have the guts to stick to my guns, to follow through. I just don't want to fade into the woodwork and become like everybody else. I want to learn and experience things for myself, see the world and reach for the stars. By not doing this it feels like I'm doing just that-quitting, throwing in the towel, surrendering and going against everything in my heart wants.That's all I've ever done, because I had to. I hate it. So much. The only reason I kept going, dreaming and trying was for the hope that someday I would be able to reach for the stars. The opportunities keep slipping through my fingers. I feel like a failure.

Disappointment

......I bombed my math test. It stinks. The End. So i'm going to do homework all day so i dont flunk out of school. Depending on how hard i study, you may or may not hear from me in the next millenia. Hope to post again soon. If not, you know I died of exposure to icky equations, postulates, and other crap like that.