The Perils of the Dating Swamp

I'm sick of trudging through the dating swamp, picking up warty toad after toad in pursuit of a prince. I'm up to my eyeballs in muck and I am losing what little patience I have left. Am I destined to become the exception to the rule that everyone has another half, doomed to wander in this swamp forever? Even 'swamp people' have someone!  I'm just finished with the games, the drama, and with feeling like I'm not worthy enough to be pursued.
 Please. I'm not a super model, but I'm pretty fantastic.
Why can't any guy who is NORMAL see that?
Ugh.

Autumn: A List.

Hey there, friends! IT'S OCTOBER!!!! FALLELUJAH!*squeals and leaps for joy* Which means that autumn comes on swift wings! (I know the first day of fall was in September, but it doesn't feel official until October for me.)
To quote one of my favorite literary heroines, I woke up this morning with this thought bursting from my lips.

Autumn is my favorite season of all time. I love the way it feels, smells, sounds and looks. It opens a doorway to the most exciting and special time of the year, ushering in change and improvement, togetherness, gratitude, love, and giving. I get to play all through autumn and then I get to celebrate Christmas too!? It's a dream come true every October.  But friends, I have come prepared. In case you aren't quite in the autumnal spirit, I've decided to compile a list of all the things I happen to adore about fall to try to get you there. You ready? *ahem*. 

AUTUMN: A LIST.

• sweaters
• scarves
• boots
• pumpkins of every shape, size and color
• pumpkin patches
• apple picking
• caramel and candied apples
• brisk nights under the stars in corn fields and apple orchards. 
• warm apple cider, hot cocoa, and fresh doughnuts
• vibrant reds, yellows, oranges of the changing leaves
• walking among tombstones as the leaves crunch beneath my feet
• hay rides and corn mazes
• smells of apple pies, pumpkin pies, and all manner of sweet treats baking. 
• homemade soup and warm bread
• crisp air that fills your lungs and makes you feel alive
• the tangible 'magic' looming in the air
• the promise and graceful embrace of change
• gathering of loved ones
• the smell of chimneys smoking 
• pumpkin carving and the  golden glow of jack o' lanterns on porch steps
• school! A return to learning 
• school supplies. I love, Love, LOVE school supplies. A bouquet of freshly sharpened pencils would be a lovely gift. 
• leaf fights!
• being engulfed into large piles of crackling foliage again and again and again. It makes raking worthwhile, you know.
• a hand in your pocket and one entwined with someone special to keep your fingers warm
• if you don't have a special someone, gloves are great too!
• pie is an art form all season long. It's a pie parade!
• sunflowers and mums
• it's a time where watching classic thrillers is encouraged. YAY for Hitchcock films, Arsenic and Old Lace and It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown! 
• speaking of pumpkin...every pumpkin dessert imaginable
• Thanksgiving. 
• curling up with a blanket, a good book, and with a warm cup of tea. 
• hikes among the trees and canyon drives to see a canvas of color
• fall carnivals and harvest festivals
• football games 
• rosy cheeks and pink noses
• General Conference!!!
• It's a whole SEASON of change, gratitude, togetherness, and love. 

Well friends, if that doesn't get you excited for fall, I don't know what will! If you think of more reasons why you love fall, comment below!  Autumn is out there, my beloved friends. Magic is in the air.  Go and play.

Puzzled.

                                  

I feel like I'm wandering through a picture as a fraudulent player. As if I'm walking in a reality that belongs to everyone else I see but me. Everyone has a place, a purpose, a home, where they  reside, thrive, belong. As I walk along, gazing into the lives of those who surround me, I feel like an intruder, observing special moments I shouldn't see. I'm surrounded by amazing friends, but that doesn't fill the void pulsating in the pit of my stomach that I don't belong here, like a homing device is going haywire in my chest pulling me everywhere and anywhere but here.

 Its like I'm a background piece of a puzzle, with similar foliage and coloring, but the edges don't align, no matter how hard you manipulate the situation. I'm in a phase of my life where it's hard to relate to others around me, especially since I've been "blessed" with such unique and difficult circumstances. Everyone exists in their perfect universe and when you don't live up the expectations of that universe, you're shunned, labeled, treated inferior. So you ignore it, brush it off, and keep pretending and/or move on in search of your pieces elsewhere.

 Days like today I want to throw my hands in the air and jump on a bus, plane, train heading to a bright horizon, a new start, preferably to Boston or New York or Bermuda where no one knows my name, my story, or anything that I've ever done or not done. Where I can have another chance to find out if I fit in another picture and be an actual player in the beauty instead of feeling like a washed-up fraud or an intrusive observer.  I guess that this is what being homeless must be like; forced to wander without knowing how long you'll have your bases covered and if you'll make it through , never fitting really, just existing like a fly on a wall. It's not ideal, but it's what I've got.  In the meantime, I'll make the best of this. I'll find my road, my new adventure. I'll get by another day knowing that someday I'll fit.  And that's enough, I guess. It has to be. 

Sanctifying September

 Hello readers. September is upon us. Summer is winding down, with Autumn closely at its heels. Change is whipping in the wind and it has already worked quite a number on me the past couple weeks. I don't wish to go into great detail about this time of great and abrupt development in my life, but with the changing of the seasons has come a great change in the season of my life, changes that haven't been the easiest to swallow.

It's been... a refining couple of weeks. I feel parts of me scorched, charred, purged, and purified. And how I hope and pray the pain is worth it.  I've felt moments of revelation, indignation, anger, utter loneliness, bitterness, betrayal, and hopelessness. I've cried far too much.  I've felt as if my heart has been stretched as thin as aged translucent paper, one pull away from ripping beyond repair.

 In turn, I've been blessed more than I could ever dream. I'm surrounded by those who love me, believe in me, and care for my well-being. I have a warm bed to sleep in, food in my belly, and hands to catch me if I fall. Most importantly, I've been given an opportunity to become the person that I want to become in the best manner, through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I've been able to go forward with faith in building my life on a sure foundation through the gospel of Jesus Christ. I get the opportunity to really seek him, to know him, and apply his healing balm on the festering wounds of my heart I never thought would heal. I'm finding as I do this, the chains that have bound me for years are slowly starting to fall and I'm able to move forward with a confidence I could not ever possess on my own. It's a hard and difficult process, but the Lord is blessing and sanctifying my feeble, human efforts.

 I am attending institute four days a week and learning of the nature of my Father in Heaven, His son and the incredible atoning sacrifice he made for all, of how I fit in His miraculous plan, and the skills I need to possess to be a righteous wife and mother in the trying days to come. I'm beginning to finally see the principle Thomas S. Monson taught, that" the future is  as bright as your faith." What a marvelous thing to witness.  I know that the Lord will not abandon those who put their trust in his ample arm, especially those who feel like they have no where to turn.  I was really touched by words spoken by  President Henry B. Eyring in April 2012 on the subject. The video posted below has helped me keep some perspective during this unexpected trial and I am so grateful for the strength it has granted me.  May his words help lift you if you are struggling and are unsure of where to go or how to proceed with the days ahead.

The gospel of Jesus Christ is true. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is infinite and intimate and can grant us the strength and courage we couldn't muster on our own. His way is the only way. It shapes us into the sons and daughters we were meant to be and helps make up the difference until we get there.  He will bless us and others as we step forward in faith to do His work upon the earth. May the Lord bless you in your endeavors to draw near unto him,  as he is so richly blessing me.
Until next time, may God bless you and those you love.

The Field is White and Ready to Harvest...

Hello readers. Today was a very special day for family. My little big brother received his mission call to serve as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints for 2 years. We all waited in agony for him rip the envelope and reveal where he would faithfully serve, and we all couldn't be more delighted and surprised. Elder Jacob Paul Jepsen will be serving in the New York Utica mission speaking English and will report to the Provo Missionary Training Center on November 13th. I was floored to know he'd be walking around the same streets I did almost two years ago. He'll have the same opportunity to fall in love with New York, its beautiful people, and see the how the gospel of Jesus Christ changes lives. Not to mention, he'll have some sweeeeet hookups and people to love him immediately because he's a Jepsen. ;) Seriously though, he'll never have to worry about anything. The members are AMAZING!

 I'm so overwhelmed, so happy, so thrilled for him and this experience. I love you, Jacob. You are truly an inspiration to me and I know that as you serve the Lord you and those you serve will be blessed tremendously for your valiant efforts. Thank you for the honor that you bring to our family, for your love and example, and for your amazing friendship. You are the best brother this crazy girl could ever ask for. I'm excited for the start of your incredible life. I'm so proud that you're starting it the best way you possibly could, in the service of your God.

God speed, Elder. I love you.

An Adventure, Twofold.

San Simeon Beach

Adorable Happy. (Total surfer magnet, BTW)

Pier at San Simeon Point. One of my favorite spots of all time.

Powell's Sweet Shoppe in downtown Paso Robles. A modern day Wonka Factory of Awesome. 

Sweet Salted Caramel and Dark Chocolate HEAVEN

          

Duckie's Chowder Shack in Cayucos. AMAZING food. Go. Now. 

This is my 'I'M SO EXCITED FOR FISH AND CHIPS I CAN'T BREATHE!' face.

Behold. Fish and chips in all of their glory. Seriously, the best I've ever let grace my lips.

Pier in Cayucos

Non profit Art Gallery. Fantastic work and people here. 

This is my beach face. 

 

Sunset on the way to Cambria Thursday. SO beautiful.  

This is my best bud and his gorgeous, incredible wife. Aren't they adorable?

Travel Log: Part II
Sunday: San Simeon Point
Monday: Errands,cleaning, freak out/ scolding. (Bad kids day)
Tuesday:Cayucos, CA
Wednesday:Downtown Paso Robles.
Thursday: Cambria night life.
Friday: Running, running, fuming, running...  

Hey pals! Ready for the second installment of my fantastical adventure?! Let's start on Sunday. I thought I'd take Happy to the beach because he had been on the best behavior ever. So we jumped in the blue pickup and hit the road. He sat in the passenger seat, tongue hanging loosely to the side, tail wagging, and eyes wide with excitement as the fresh sea air pelted our faces. He sat tall with his paw rested casually on my knee, so like an eager, love-struck man enjoying a casual adventure with his girl on a sunny afternoon. We zoomed through countless vineyards with rolling green and golden hills, misty hilltops, glades of lush oaks, winding narrow roads, and towering pines. We kept our eyes peeled for sparkling azure waves and the occasional zebra roaming with the horses near Hearst Castle. 
 We arrived at San Simeon, a dog-friendly, family friendly alcove; complete with fishing pier, picnic tables, a children's museum and a creek to wade in if the waves were a big deal. Next to Moonstone beach, this is my second favorite place to be. The water is pristine, the sand warm a midst black and green cliffs separating the sea from the road, and onlookers wander occasionally down the long stretch of rocky beach. After a lovely picnic lunch of gourmet peanut butter and honey sandwiches, Happy and I ran gleefully up and down the beach, playing tag with the roaring waves and each other. We slept under the sun, read together, met some new friends and climbed upon towering rocks as the salty spray whipped our faces and soaked our feet. After a delight-some, full afternoon, we climbed back in the blue pick up and puttered home. As if the day wasn't lovely enough, John Mayer's smokey voice echoed through the canyon on the cool, evening breeze as the sun set below the mountains. 
Monday was spent picking up poop, running errands, more poop, walking naughty dogs, and picking up more poop. Was I amused? I think not. 
Tuesday I needed to leave the house. So I jumped in the pick up again with my pal Happy and decided to go down the old highway to Cayucos. The day was colder and overcast, but I wanted to see what Cayucos beach was all about. First thing, I gave Happy some food and water and let him chill in the back with the windows blowing air through and walked back to my favorite chowder shack, Duckie's. The thought of not knowing when I'd have this beautiful food grace my lips again made me sad, so I ordered the fish and chips once more. I sat at a bar, in front of a window overlooking the beach. Sun-bleached and faded photographs of old sea vessels and fishing paraphernalia strewn the walls, people coming from every seam of the shack to greet old friends with hugs and smiling faces. My food arrived with a flourish and I relished every. single. bite.
Across the street, a non-profit art gallery held portraits of the roaring sea and its hearty, yet delicate, foliage, strange sculpture, and poignant pieces beautiful enough to make you want to cry. I purchased a hand painted water color original postcard and chatted a bit with the wonderful volunteer and wandered out the door delighted, with a brighter hope for the world. I grabbed Happy and wandered down to the gray sand and swelling waves speckled with families and children screaming with delight. We watched a senior tai chi class, exhales lost amid the whistling wind and crashing waves. We played tag again between the tangled mess of seaweed and made friends with adorable surfers.( Happy was quite the surfer magnet. These sun kissed Adonises in surfer suits would come out of nowhere to pet and compliment my "awesome dog" as he showed off and listened oh so well. Needless to say, I didn't mind one bit. )  I watched happy children giggle as their mother's held tightly to their pudgy fingers and kiss their cheeks. I spent the afternoon people watching and daydreaming of my family in the future. 

Wednesday I spent the day cleaning like a mad woman, but escaped as twilight started to settle in the valley. I wandered to down town Paso Robles to visit my favorite sweet shoppe, Powell's. Inside is a miniature Wonka Factory, candy and sweets covering every inch of wall space, glittering counters and overflowing tables.  The 1970's classic, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory plays and echoes through the shoppe, completing the atmosphere of wonder and delight of a world of sweets. Handmade chocolates and bon bons sit in pretty wrappers, candy dispensers line every wall neatly, new and vintage candies are showcased everywhere. At the heart of the store stands the holy of holies; a local authentic gelato counter, made with fresh, California flavors. I tried a shovelful of the sweet, salted caramel and the purest dark chocolate. I sat in the park across the street, watched the sunset and scooped the airy goodness into my mouth as the light of the day faded and the golden lights flickered on the quaint town square. OH, and did I mention I heard Van Halen play live? Sick. 

Thursday was the day Mam and Lindsey and Micah would make the journey westward and we'd spend the day in Morro Bay. Due to crazy flight delays, they weren't able to make it until late afternoon, early evening. Mam felt bad, so she and I jumped in the rental car and drove to Cambria to say goodbye before my flight the following morning. As we drove along the winding highway, the sun put on display unlike one I'd never seen before. Vibrant red, gold and orange lit up the sky, purple and silver hues caressing the outermost edges of the wispy clouds floating overhead. The air caught in my throat as I sat in awe. We arrived at moonstone beach as dusk kissed the sea and the tide crashed upon the jagged rocks. I blew a kiss to the invigorating breeze with a happy heart and the promise of eventual return and turned into the twilight toward town. After a dinner of warm pizza and laughter, Mam and  I headed back to Paso with the stars blazing overhead. 
Friday was a day filled with running, delays and frustration. Halfway to the airport, I realized I was without my wallet, phone and boarding pass. Luckily, we were able to turn around and get me to the air port in the knick of time, only to realize that my flight would be delayed for nearly two hours. By the time I got back to Vegas, we taxed on the tarmac for another 30 minutes or so. I sprinted through the airport to get to my ride, hug my friend goodbye and get stuck in an hour of bumper to bumper traffic and travel to get back to a best friend's wedding in St. George that started at 5. Needless to say, I showed up to the wedding looking like a disheveled hobo right as the bride and groom were leaving. It was crazy. BUT! They were adorable and I'm so lucky I got to see them before their departure. 

That...was pretty much my adventure house sitting. Well, the happy, great parts, anyway. I hope you enjoyed reading about it as much I enjoyed living it. If you ever get the chance to go to Cambria, Morro Bay, Paso Robles area, GO. It's gorgeous, wonderful, peaceful and a piece of heaven here on Earth. Remember the beauty of exploration and culture. Go find it. :) Until my next adventure kids. 

California dreaming

The kids and I last year! Kamper and Happy photo cred. Abbs 

Hi readers.  I guess it has been a while since my last post. I have to say already that this is bound to be a unique experience in and of itself because I'm  composing this entirely from my phone in Paso Robles, CA.

Why am I in such a lovely place,  you ask? I have the fortune of being a zookeeper for a week, so to speak.  Okay, its not like THIS zoo, but you catch my drift.   The zoo is very small... 3 dogs, 3 grown cats, 8 kittens and any other animal that wanders to the front door. My mission? To ensure they do not starve, learn some things,  and have someone to play with every now and then. Can I just tell you, vacations are incredible things for the soul. Especially ones that include beach time and a house to myself for a week. Ready to hear of my adventures so far?
Travel Log: 
 WEDNESDAY I flew from sweltering Las Vegas airport to balmy Santa Maria, California and asked myself why on earth I ever left. Mike picked me up and headed straight to the shelter to pick up foster kittens. Then we headed for Cayucos; a small town so close to the beach, you can put your arm out the window and stick it in the glistening blue waves. We dined at Duckies- a beach front restaurant 500 yards away from the surf that prides themselves on freshness and deliciousness. I didn't hesitate to try their fish and chips and boy, it didn't disappoint.  The fish was so fresh and flaky and the fries were out of this world!  Bah.  SO. GOOD.  I'm definitely returning with one of the puppies and enjoying a whole day.

Thursday I became more familiar with the tasks at hand and spent one last day with Deb and Mike before they set out on their excursion to Mexico.  I also ventured to the bustling hive of  Walmart to buy some food so I wouldn't starve-I don't want to eat beans everyday. (Deb and Mike are vegan). It was a unique experience, as all ventures to the big box store generally are. A strange man in a ball cap and shades came up to me in the woman's section while looking for a swimsuit. (The hanger was around my neck to check the fit and I was looking down when this man seemed to appear out of the racks like a genie)  He looked in my cart ( I mean, REALLY LOOKED), gave me an exasperated look, and told me not to buy corn. Apparently Von's had them 5 for a dollar and I was crazy for thinking to buy them at Walmart. He then turned away and disappeared, probably to spread the bad corn omen elsewhere. To add to the strangeness, there was hardly any produce, everything was in refrigerated cases and they didn't have grocery bags. (Its a law in this county, apparently.)

Yesterday I awoke very early due to three furry alarm clocks and sat around wondering what on earth I was going to do with myself for a week alone. After flirting with the idea of being exceptionally lazy, eating junkfood all day, and editing and cleaning to pass the time,  I packed a bag and headed to Cambria for lunch on the beach. Oh, and if you've never been to Cambria, it's breathtaking. It's got blue pines and rolling golden hills on one side, a blue green beach on the other. Definitely worth the drive. (sorry for diverting)
 I hung out by the jagged rocks and tide pools for a bit as the waves crashed to and fro. I love watching the life flit around the pools and marveling at how small I am in the scheme of things. A couple of adorable harbor seals kept eyeing me suspiciously. I suspected they were plotting sneaky ways to take me with them to their underwater Seal Prince to become his new wife or baby seal trainer. They already managed to secretly kill my phone battery with their cute, intent gazes. They could have had a mind melting ray under those waves too and I could have said Sayōnara to civilization as we know it! So, to avoid possible underwater abduction, I jumped back in the pickup and cruised back to my favorite beach spot. I broke out my lunch, wrote letters, napped under the sun's warm rays, and tried to remember the crash of every wave. It was wonderful. I'm definitely spending another day in Cambria. Shopping is definitely on the list.

Yes. They really look like this. Seriously the cutest seals ever. 

 I got a bit roasted yesterday, (not to mention, the dogs beat me up this morning) so I'm taking it easy,  running a couple errands, cleaning things up and just hanging out with the kids today. Sunday is San Simeon Beach/pier with Happy . I'm super excited. I'm not reunited with human interaction until Thursday.I'll keep you updated on any other misadventures! Keep it real, readers!

Being silly at Mandy's. Ready to fly to paradise!

Kamper is adorable. When she sleeps. :) Naps are a favorite past time here.  

Super excited to have this amazing lady join me!  5 more days!