Puzzled.

                                  

I feel like I'm wandering through a picture as a fraudulent player. As if I'm walking in a reality that belongs to everyone else I see but me. Everyone has a place, a purpose, a home, where they  reside, thrive, belong. As I walk along, gazing into the lives of those who surround me, I feel like an intruder, observing special moments I shouldn't see. I'm surrounded by amazing friends, but that doesn't fill the void pulsating in the pit of my stomach that I don't belong here, like a homing device is going haywire in my chest pulling me everywhere and anywhere but here.

 Its like I'm a background piece of a puzzle, with similar foliage and coloring, but the edges don't align, no matter how hard you manipulate the situation. I'm in a phase of my life where it's hard to relate to others around me, especially since I've been "blessed" with such unique and difficult circumstances. Everyone exists in their perfect universe and when you don't live up the expectations of that universe, you're shunned, labeled, treated inferior. So you ignore it, brush it off, and keep pretending and/or move on in search of your pieces elsewhere.

 Days like today I want to throw my hands in the air and jump on a bus, plane, train heading to a bright horizon, a new start, preferably to Boston or New York or Bermuda where no one knows my name, my story, or anything that I've ever done or not done. Where I can have another chance to find out if I fit in another picture and be an actual player in the beauty instead of feeling like a washed-up fraud or an intrusive observer.  I guess that this is what being homeless must be like; forced to wander without knowing how long you'll have your bases covered and if you'll make it through , never fitting really, just existing like a fly on a wall. It's not ideal, but it's what I've got.  In the meantime, I'll make the best of this. I'll find my road, my new adventure. I'll get by another day knowing that someday I'll fit.  And that's enough, I guess. It has to be. 

Sanctifying September

 Hello readers. September is upon us. Summer is winding down, with Autumn closely at its heels. Change is whipping in the wind and it has already worked quite a number on me the past couple weeks. I don't wish to go into great detail about this time of great and abrupt development in my life, but with the changing of the seasons has come a great change in the season of my life, changes that haven't been the easiest to swallow.

It's been... a refining couple of weeks. I feel parts of me scorched, charred, purged, and purified. And how I hope and pray the pain is worth it.  I've felt moments of revelation, indignation, anger, utter loneliness, bitterness, betrayal, and hopelessness. I've cried far too much.  I've felt as if my heart has been stretched as thin as aged translucent paper, one pull away from ripping beyond repair.

 In turn, I've been blessed more than I could ever dream. I'm surrounded by those who love me, believe in me, and care for my well-being. I have a warm bed to sleep in, food in my belly, and hands to catch me if I fall. Most importantly, I've been given an opportunity to become the person that I want to become in the best manner, through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I've been able to go forward with faith in building my life on a sure foundation through the gospel of Jesus Christ. I get the opportunity to really seek him, to know him, and apply his healing balm on the festering wounds of my heart I never thought would heal. I'm finding as I do this, the chains that have bound me for years are slowly starting to fall and I'm able to move forward with a confidence I could not ever possess on my own. It's a hard and difficult process, but the Lord is blessing and sanctifying my feeble, human efforts.

 I am attending institute four days a week and learning of the nature of my Father in Heaven, His son and the incredible atoning sacrifice he made for all, of how I fit in His miraculous plan, and the skills I need to possess to be a righteous wife and mother in the trying days to come. I'm beginning to finally see the principle Thomas S. Monson taught, that" the future is  as bright as your faith." What a marvelous thing to witness.  I know that the Lord will not abandon those who put their trust in his ample arm, especially those who feel like they have no where to turn.  I was really touched by words spoken by  President Henry B. Eyring in April 2012 on the subject. The video posted below has helped me keep some perspective during this unexpected trial and I am so grateful for the strength it has granted me.  May his words help lift you if you are struggling and are unsure of where to go or how to proceed with the days ahead.

The gospel of Jesus Christ is true. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is infinite and intimate and can grant us the strength and courage we couldn't muster on our own. His way is the only way. It shapes us into the sons and daughters we were meant to be and helps make up the difference until we get there.  He will bless us and others as we step forward in faith to do His work upon the earth. May the Lord bless you in your endeavors to draw near unto him,  as he is so richly blessing me.
Until next time, may God bless you and those you love.