Don't Panic!

Don't Panic! I didn't go and hurl myself off a bridge because I didn't think life was worth it anymore. I'm still alive, breathing, in a much healthier mental state than my previous post. After a difficult few days, I was able to talk to my best friend, Christina about all of this mumbo jumbo. I was convinced that I couldn't go to England. After some tears and some realizations, I came to the conclusion that I have plenty of opportunity to be happy. Satan was trying to convince me otherwise. There's a reason why everything has happened the way it has. There are things I'm supposed to do, people I need to meet and lives I need to touch in England and things I need to experience for myself there.  Logically, it seems completely idiotic to go to a foreign land for six months, hardly get paid anything and have most of it go toward your ticket home. But this is what I need to do and its what I'm going to do. It feels so good to finally have a direction, have the spirit with me, and the motivation to move forward. Before I was so overwhelmed with all the options, possibilities and trying to decipher what I was supposed to do, I forgot what was right in front of me the whole time. So, today I'm going to a temp agency, talking to past employers and making another appointment for Biolife so I can purchase my ticket. I am so grateful for such incredible friends who love and support me and are helping make this possible, like Christina, Moth-er ( LaDawn), Taz and amazing Italian Sodas,  for Kyle and his words of wisdom, my relatives and family. Thank you. Things are looking up. I love you all.

Lost.

I'm feeling apprehensive, swimming in a sea of doubt while the gulls of reality ceaselessly try to peck out my eyes with their thoughts of reason. Just as the torture seems to ebb, the gulls swarm and dive again, cutting deeper. I just can't seem to wrap my head around it. England seemed so perfect- I was going to go, live life in a different world, meet new people, start out fresh, with no predispositions, expectations. Now...? I'm not so sure. I'm looking at all my options, trying to keep enduring and do all that I can- I'm keeping the commandments, attending the temple as often as I can, praying, reading my scriptures and trying my very best, but I cant seem to find direction. How could something that felt SO right be completely wrong? I really didn't want to go through another 'Maine' situation. I just feel so lost. I have no idea what to do with my life if I don't go. All I want is to be happy, to experience life to the fullest and help people along the way. I can do so much good! There are lots of different options, I just don't know which one the Lord wants me to do. I just hate telling people that I'm going to go and do something and not do it. I feel like I'm quitting, letting a dream die and crash into oblivion. I hate that word, worse than the dirtiest curse word you know. I don't quit. It almost seems like I don't have the guts to stick to my guns, to follow through. I just don't want to fade into the woodwork and become like everybody else. I want to learn and experience things for myself, see the world and reach for the stars. By not doing this it feels like I'm doing just that-quitting, throwing in the towel, surrendering and going against everything in my heart wants.That's all I've ever done, because I had to. I hate it. So much. The only reason I kept going, dreaming and trying was for the hope that someday I would be able to reach for the stars. The opportunities keep slipping through my fingers. I feel like a failure.

Sometimes Life Requires a Little Patience and Some Advice

“Patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!” Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “Continue in Patience,” Ensign, May 2010, 57

“He is your beloved Heavenly Father, who seeks your good, your happiness. He desires with all the love of a perfect and pure Father that you reach your supernal destination. . . . All you have to do is trust your Heavenly Father. Trust Him enough to follow His plan.”
Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “Your Happily Ever After,” Ensign, May 2010, 127

 Thank you President Uchtdorf for reminding me the past couple days of what I need to be doing. :)

Thank you

Dear friends, thank you all so much for your love and support, for your comments and words of encouragement. Tara, thank you especially for this quote.

"With any major decisions, there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don't give up when the pressure mounts. Certainly don't give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. Face your doubts. Master your fears. 'Cast not away therefore your confidence.' Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you."

So with this wonderful advice, I am going to tell Senor Satan to 'TALK TO THE HAND, LEAVE ME ALONE, GET THEE HENCE!!! I'M GOING TO ENGLAND!!!!' (idea from Moses 1) I'm not defined by my trials or temptations. I am Heather. I am a daughter of God.Thank you to Jessica for helping re-affirm my confidence and know what I need.  I know that this is the right thing to do, that adventure and excitement await me and that I can do great things for the Lord. As long as I rely on His ample arm and miraculous Atonement, I've nothing to fear.  Heavenly Father wants me to be happy. He has a plan for me, and I know that He's guided me to this point in my life. Its going to be a struggle to say goodbye, but I'm opening the door to bigger and better things for me in my life. And I can't wait.

 So with that dear friends, I love you with all my heart. I am truly blessed to have you in my life, rooting for me and encouraging me to live the way my Savior would have me live. May Heavenly Father bless you in your lives and future endeavors like He has blessed mine, that is my sincere prayer. Until the next post, adieu! xo

I feel like I'm dying

Saying goodbye to everyone and everything I love for the last time, making sure that everything is taken care of before I leave, filling out all this paper work and paying off debts...its been hard. Today I was helping Pam at the center put things together for the next year. We put name tags on all the cubbys today and not seeing my name there stung. a lot. I just have a feeling that a lot is going to change in the coming months, and it feels like I'm saying goodbye for a long time. My heart just hurts. That's all.

Uphill Village

Here are a few glimpses of what its going to be like frolicking around Uphill Village. I'm SO excited!!! 

...

I'M GOING TO ENGLAND!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*gasp*AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Apparently I'm stressed. ALL THE TIME.

I am frustrated, have no one to talk to and my vanilla coke is almost gone. End of the world. 

Stressors: 

1. The project I've been working on for 8 weeks is going to pot. That means cancellations, profuse apologies, inconvenience, heart ache and feeling like an utter failure. Ug! Its like a cancelled wedding. You wouldn't wish it on a deaf donkey. He's already had to be deaf his whole life. Don't cancel a wedding on him. 

2. I have to move. Back to St. George. 

3. I'm about to embark on a international journey for a year, or at least I think I am and I don't know where yet.  

4. I haven't had a shower yet today. I know its stupid, but seriously, not being clean stresses me out. 

5. I don't know if I can register for all the online courses I need to so I can get my associates. 

6. I have to tell everyone that I'm not coming back in the fall, and that's like another cancelled wedding. I hate disappointing people. But, this is for me. I need to do this. So...I am. So I apologize in advance. 

I am the dog. Looming doom? perhaps. 

SO...yeah. Those are some stressors that I'm currently dealing with at said moment. Suggestions? Confusion? Random Outbursts? Please, feel free. Comment away, dear friends. Comment away. OH!!! And before you go, Please check out this video. It made my day a bit better. I laughed pretty hard. Just click the link. It's 30 seconds. :)   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pjsE1_nZ_fs