My Own Tragic Comedy:Life and Vulnerability

I often wait for parts of my life to be sparkling and pristine before I divulge to my readers what life looks like for me, but I'm finding that it just isn't realistic if I want to keep up a blog. Most importantly, I won't ever share any parts of my life if that's the case. More and more I feel like I'm leading a tragic comedy, with each painful instance pulsating and reverberating the void, perpetuating the idea that I'll always be falling in a ditch somewhere...alone, tripping up the stairs and spilling my neighbor's coffee on accident...alone, and after declaring my love, ending up alone.

I get these notions that certain events are going to occur, and they end up hilariously underwhelming. For instance, I somehow imagined that things were improving the realm of men and that I may have the odd chance of getting smooched. I did, but I was attacked by a old friend with down-syndrome who got the wrong idea about what a friendship really looks like. The week before this, I was asked to be someone's girlfriend five times in the space of twenty minutes. Unfortunately, he didn't quite get the hint and he wasn't exactly the type of man I'd like to be mine for eternity. I promised him a date with a girl that I knew and I'm praying that this magical girl will appear sometime VERY soon so I can avoid more unpleasant circumstances like this in the very near future.

Also, I'd been planning on having a very serious, emotional conversation with a friend Thursday night and was planning on using the next day to cry if things didn't go as planned. Life has a funny way of giving you things you plan for in unexpected ways. I did use all of Friday to cry, but it was for very different reasons. My incredible uncle Peter quietly slipped through the veil  Thursday night. I had worked for 12 hours and was headed over to hear my kid from New York open his mission call when I saw my mom's face light up on my phone. She told me that he died alone and my heart burst into a hundred pieces. Not Peter. I walked in and feigned overwhelming joy when Austin opened his call. I was so proud of him, and it was so good to see Kristina, but her eyes. Suzy's eyes. More pain.  I went over to my friend's house and cried holding my broken heart. I sat on his couch and stared up at him, finding it ironic that I'd imagined myself in the exact same place, but crying over him, not my uncle.

The next day I felt numb. I couldn't move, couldn't breathe. All the emotion I'd been carrying for so long collapsed, crushing me. I lay immobilized in my bed and didn't get up for hours. I've been running on fumes since then, emotions and thoughts everywhere and nowhere. More quiet blows of life hit since then. Today I lay in my bed for hours and skipped church and all other obligations and cooked-trying to create beauty from the mess inside my mind.

I made a lot of food.

My roommates did not complain.

After stifling and ignoring emotions again, I attempted to write, and then got sucked into the idea that everything had to be perfect, and then I got lost in the  thought of who I am writing for. One of those people was always Peter-a man who believed I could write anything and be anything. Now I'm not so sure.  I've been struggling with this idea of vulnerability-  what it really means, what it entails, what it looks like, and how to just let go.  I know that I can't get anywhere I want without it. It's just...so hard. This means being honest, running the risk of being a burden, allowing people to see all of me and gracefully allowing the consequences to happen. This means allowing myself the opportunity to be loved. (It's taking a lot of vulnerability to post this)

I can only continue to live the life I've been given now. Sometimes that means not being okay for a few days. For now, I will try to communicate the best I can, focus on the plan of salvation, try and keep up with school during all of this, pray for strength and to be open to these difficult life lessons, and breathe. It's all I can do. Until then, prayers would be appreciated. Most importantly, Keep my Aunt Kathy in your prayers. She is the most incredible woman I know and she could use the love and support at this time.


Facebook Post from Friday.

My beloved uncle Peter quietly passed beyond the veil last night. Thank you Peter for always making me laugh, for always loving me and believing in the beauty of my dreams when I may not have believed they were possible. Thank you for taking the time to see me and my inner brilliance when I felt small and overlooked. Thank you for your perseverance, your on point humor, and for unashamedly being you. You definitely are one of my heroes! I love you. Rest in peace. Your giant heart and spirit will be greatly missed

 — with Kathy Harnett and Peter Harnett.

As of late....

So...my life has been full of stress, mayhem, adventure, and wonderful moments.

This past week has been rife with them. I moved out of my new place and into a gorgeous apartment with two wonderful girls named Leeanne and Megan. I got to spend the 4th with my nephew and momma ANNND I got a brand new niece the VERY NEXT MORNING. And I got promoted at work.
 Blessed? I think so.
Longer update to come. Until then, count your blessings! I know I am.
The Lord loves you, and so do I.

xo-Heather Ann

All moved in to my beautiful new apartment! 

4th of July with this adorable one

Holding the beautiful, new Ryleigh Ann Pickett.
Born July 5th, 2014 7lbs 4oz at 7:14 am 

Exciting Excerpt:1,078

So...my life has been a little chaotic. School has entered a short reprieve (HALLELUJAH), but time still finds a way to be filled. I'm currently in the process of landing an additional job, finding a place to live, and stepping into some very large shoes as my ward's relief society president. Also, when I'm not working like a madwoman, I get to sometimes watch my friend's niece who is experiencing a case of the awful, dreadful, down right rotten and oh so terrible two's. She's so adorable you could explode, so it makes being angry and upset nearly impossible. However, today she certainly gave me a run for my money. After alternating endless, mind-numbing episodes of Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood and Paw Patrol, temper tantrums, role playing with beanie babies,  more tantrums, playing human jungle gym, playing outside, and an impromptu food fight, I was finally given a break...a bathroom break. 

When I gazed into the mirror, I was taken aback. To put it kindly, I resembled a homeless person who'd been sleeping under a bridge for a month.  It was 6 pm and if I wanted any shred of my sanity, I needed a shower and I needed it now. I turned on the water and began to relax when I heard it- the patter of tiny footsteps running down the hallway. Next, pounding on the door. My heart froze. I stopped breathing. She found me. Her tiny hands wormed their way under the crack. Soon she began screaming over and over and over at the top of her lungs " WHAT you DOING?! WHAT YOU DOING? WHAT ARE YOOU DOOOIN?! WHAAAATT AARE YOOOOU DOOOIN?!" She began to listen to the curious behavior behind the door and began to connect the dots that I was attempting to flee from the vise like grip of her pudgy hands. And that I was now experiencing her favorite past time- a bath. "Bath?! I WANT BATH! I WANT BAAAAAAAFFF! " Tears began to flow, pounding intensified on the other side of the door panel, shrill shrieks began to shake the hallway. There wasn't anywhere else to run. I was doomed. Trapped. Left there in an awful, embarrassing state to rot and die. I didn't know whether or not to have a heart attack or laugh hysterically. Soon, a brave knight decided to give the toddler dragon a hot dog and get her to go to sleep and I was able to continue my bathroom break in peace. 

Needless to say, I haven't been that afraid to use a bathroom since the Piccadilly Circus tube station toilets in January which I'm sure had various strains of hepatitis and maybe a strain of the Ebola virus. 

It was an adventure. Here is just a small, exciting excerpt of my life this week. More to come. Be wary of tyrannical toddlers who happen to be drawn to water. Wishing you luck in your life and in the bathroom now and always. Xo-Heather

England.

Behold. England Pictures.
 Click. 

Stongehenge

Brighton skyline from Brighton Pier

Thames and a bit of the London skyline- Have you been to St.Paul's?

Tower Bridge

Brighton Pier

Apparently, I have a Complex.

Readers. My, my it certainly has been a long time. 

The past few months have been ones filled with fun and frenzy and adventure. I promise that I will divulge details of my UK exploits, complete with pictures and vids! Now I feel like that I just need to write SOMETHING or my soul will break. Yes. You didn't think that was even possible, now did you? Well, it can. So, to stop potential splintering from taking place, I write, I type, I bleed. Not to mention, my cute blog host background decided to die, so my blog is kind of re-vamped. Tweaking will continue to ensue, but this will have to do for the evening.

Updates, updates. What to say? I've been working like a madwoman, going to school, and still continue to moonlight as a super-hero as often as I can.
This moonlighting can sometimes cause delusions of grandeur. Take today for example-

 I stupidly stated in a CPR course this morning that I wanted to be a doctor. Immediately all eyes reverted to me as an example of what all medical protocol should be. My palms began to sweat, anxiety mounted, and I made a spectacle of my stupidity known quite quickly. First, it began with the gloves. For one of our tests, we had to simply put on gloves and demonstrate how to take them off properly. I HAVE DONE THIS PROBABLY 100,393.5 TIMES. My palms began to sweat. I stuck my hands in the gloves anyway. They wouldn't budge. The struggle continues.  Ick. Quick, get up and wash them with cool water before you make a bigger spectacle of yourself! Bad idea. Residual water all over my hands. I attempt AGAIN. Fail. Fail. Fail. RIIIIIIIP! A huge gaping hole appears in the palm of my glove and a latex comrade is lost to another clumsy human casualty. The instructor sheepishly hands me another glove, and all eyes continue to stare in pity at the girl whose plans are much too lofty if she can't even put on a stupid glove.  Everyone in the room was finished before I could even get my pinky finger in the right position. The instructor announced in front of the group that we needed to move on, so I yanked off the sticky gloves, hid the incriminating evidence underneath my left buttock, and gazed at the floor.
 Next, we learned about CPR. As if the glove incident wasn't enough, I got a bum dummy. After doing compressions like a pro, I put on the face mask and was sure I had a good seal. No matter how I tried to re-adjust the mask, the chest wouldn't inflate. I kept thinking it was something I was doing, but apparently, the bag that replicates lung movement wasn't even attached. But it was too late. The damage was already done. Because I was so flustered, I began bumbling like an idiot when saying the commands to my classmates. Instead of "Call 911, get me a first aid kit and an AED!" out sputtered "Um 911 I need, first aid kit, AED...I need all of those, in that order. Here, preferably. and please. "  Needless to say, I felt like crawling away and hiding.

My life is awesome.

Also, anxiety sucks.

And not being able to process your feelings in general.

Now, I can hear you saying "Heather, what in the name of Susan B. Anthony am I supposed to learn from your gobbledygook?"

Friends.
1. Never put yourself in a situation where you ruin your hopes to be great. (In this instance, setting yourself up for failure when you over-think how to put on gloves and your life in general. )
2. Don't eat deli food from a grocery store in the middle of nowhere. It's gross, doesn't have a time stamp, and will most likely contain too much mayonnaise.
3. Find a reliable person you know won't judge you or your thinking process, who will hold you accountable but love you unconditionally.
4. Running or cleaning  during a panic attack can work.

So- that's it. Amusing? Random? A waste of time? Let's hope not.
Thanks for reading.
Xo-Heather Ann.

January Happenings : Jumping on a Jet-plane

Call me crazy. Call me insane. Call me deluded beyond reason. But I'm doing it. I'm taking the plunge. I'm jumping into a chasm of uncertainty and I'm psyched out of my mind. My beautiful friends, I'm going back.

I leave Wednesday morning. For two weeks. AHHH!!!

(I talked to my immigration lawyer. I got the green light. I should be OK...let's hope. Prayers never hurt. I need them.) I'll keep you all posted. HOPEFULLY lots of adventures and pictures to come!

Thank you all for your love and support! Xo

201st Post! More importantly-HAPPY NEW YEAR!

HELLO MY BEAUTIFUL READERS!!!

for my first order of business, I'd like to proudly declare that I've FINALLY  jumped over the 200th post mark! Isn't that exciting?! It really is a shame I don't write more and it is kind of pathetic that I've been writing on this blog since 2008 and I've just barely broached the 200 mark, but hey, I'M CELEBRATING!  GO HEATHER! CONGRATULATIONS TO ME!!!!


ehem....NOW MORE IMPORTANTLY....

I sincerely apologize if any seizures occured as a result of the fantastic image above.
Please don't sue me. 

I can't tell you how incredibly excited I am for 2014! Great things are happening. I'm at a job I love, I get to serve in my Relief Society presidency and serve incredible women,  I'm starting school again TOMORROW and I hope to finish my associates by the fall. I also have been given the amazing opportunity to travel and I am working on finding a place of my very own. I feel in my bones that this year will be my year. And with that hope, I share a quote that has had me thinking about my destiny and the course that my life will take as long as I do my part. Hopefully it'll help you do the same.

This quotation by Elder Russel M. Nelson given in the October 2013 session of conference got me thinking about living the best life that I can. The following list is a result of my new-found resolution to making more effective decisions to sculpt my destiny and how I will use my talents and abilities to make my world a better place. Also, placing my resolutions here I feel will help keep me accountable so I can be more effective in this year and many more to come. 

2014 Resolutions

·         Arise early! Put the Lord first, gratitude journal and exercise. All these things will help you balance everything.

·         Make your relationship with Heavenly Father your first priority. Set aside an hour at the start of the day to study the scriptures and commune with Him.

·         Make exercise a priority- You only have one body. Treat it right. (Do some sort of physical activity 5 days a week and make consistent healthy food choices.)

·         Attend the temple bimonthly. Schedule it and don’t deviate.

·         Re-read the Book of Mormon

·         Go visiting teaching every month and make a point to attend more Family Home Evening activities.

·         Be kind and assertive always, no matter the circumstance.

·         Take time to listen and make more friends.

·         Make more long term and short term goals-don’t be afraid of dreaming! Write them down and make them happen!

·         TRAVEL MORE! Leave your mark on the world wherever you walk. Journal the experiences and get lost in the culture.

·         Finish Associates Degree

·         Read at least 10 classics this year.

·         Work on being PRESENT. Enjoy the moments now and try not to get caught up in what could be.

·         Write, write, and write some more. Don’t be afraid to document your life. (Blog, 6 gratitudes a day, study journal)

·         Study materials effectively and get good grades

·         Work on asking effective questions that illicit change in others and in yourself.

·         Seek out more effective ways to help more people by attending trainings, reading therapeutic materials, and serving others. 

     Please keep me accountable! Also, if you think I really should work on something else, let me know! I want to grow and improve! Thank you all for your help, love and support always.Wishing you success on your resolutions to improve and change for the better. Happy New Year!