I get these notions that certain events are going to occur, and they end up hilariously underwhelming. For instance, I somehow imagined that things were improving the realm of men and that I may have the odd chance of getting smooched. I did, but I was attacked by a old friend with down-syndrome who got the wrong idea about what a friendship really looks like. The week before this, I was asked to be someone's girlfriend five times in the space of twenty minutes. Unfortunately, he didn't quite get the hint and he wasn't exactly the type of man I'd like to be mine for eternity. I promised him a date with a girl that I knew and I'm praying that this magical girl will appear sometime VERY soon so I can avoid more unpleasant circumstances like this in the very near future.
Also, I'd been planning on having a very serious, emotional conversation with a friend Thursday night and was planning on using the next day to cry if things didn't go as planned. Life has a funny way of giving you things you plan for in unexpected ways. I did use all of Friday to cry, but it was for very different reasons. My incredible uncle Peter quietly slipped through the veil Thursday night. I had worked for 12 hours and was headed over to hear my kid from New York open his mission call when I saw my mom's face light up on my phone. She told me that he died alone and my heart burst into a hundred pieces. Not Peter. I walked in and feigned overwhelming joy when Austin opened his call. I was so proud of him, and it was so good to see Kristina, but her eyes. Suzy's eyes. More pain. I went over to my friend's house and cried holding my broken heart. I sat on his couch and stared up at him, finding it ironic that I'd imagined myself in the exact same place, but crying over him, not my uncle.
The next day I felt numb. I couldn't move, couldn't breathe. All the emotion I'd been carrying for so long collapsed, crushing me. I lay immobilized in my bed and didn't get up for hours. I've been running on fumes since then, emotions and thoughts everywhere and nowhere. More quiet blows of life hit since then. Today I lay in my bed for hours and skipped church and all other obligations and cooked-trying to create beauty from the mess inside my mind.
I made a lot of food.
My roommates did not complain.
After stifling and ignoring emotions again, I attempted to write, and then got sucked into the idea that everything had to be perfect, and then I got lost in the thought of who I am writing for. One of those people was always Peter-a man who believed I could write anything and be anything. Now I'm not so sure. I've been struggling with this idea of vulnerability- what it really means, what it entails, what it looks like, and how to just let go. I know that I can't get anywhere I want without it. It's just...so hard. This means being honest, running the risk of being a burden, allowing people to see all of me and gracefully allowing the consequences to happen. This means allowing myself the opportunity to be loved. (It's taking a lot of vulnerability to post this)
I can only continue to live the life I've been given now. Sometimes that means not being okay for a few days. For now, I will try to communicate the best I can, focus on the plan of salvation, try and keep up with school during all of this, pray for strength and to be open to these difficult life lessons, and breathe. It's all I can do. Until then, prayers would be appreciated. Most importantly, Keep my Aunt Kathy in your prayers. She is the most incredible woman I know and she could use the love and support at this time.
Facebook Post from Friday.
My beloved uncle Peter quietly passed beyond the veil last night. Thank you Peter for always making me laugh, for always loving me and believing in the beauty of my dreams when I may not have believed they were possible. Thank you for taking the time to see me and my inner brilliance when I felt small and overlooked. Thank you for your perseverance, your on point humor, and for unashamedly being you. You definitely are one of my heroes! I love you. Rest in peace. Your giant heart and spirit will be greatly missed
— with Kathy Harnett and Peter Harnett.
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