Wise Men Still Seek Him...No Matter the Age

Today my heart was exceedingly full. I had a beautiful, ordinary instance that will change the way I think of my Savior at Christmastime forever.  

Earlier today I had the opportunity to teach in Relief Society. It was no small miracle that I was ready in time due to my insane schedule at work as of late. I awoke early and was able to get it finished just in time. Heavenly Father truly blessed me with the Spirit and He guided and directed the whole lesson and it turned out wonderfully as I taught about receiving Christ in our hearts this Christmas season. Thoughts of how I could make this Christmas more sacred bounced around in my head, but nothing poignant seemed to quite stick. 

 Later that night before the fireside, I walked around the temple grounds because I wanted to see the nativity and feel the special spirit that always resides there. As I was standing there alone among many families and couples, I noticed a little boy standing in front of me with his arms folded. All the other children were running around, hanging on the ropes, giggling and wiggling in the cold air. I watched this boy stand perfectly still in reverence at the nativity scene before his eyes. Then, without provocation from anybody around him, he knelt on the frozen concrete directly in front of the baby Jesus with his head bowed for nearly a minute. Tears welled up in my eyes. This boy seemed to understand the gift given by the Father and seemed to be thanking him in his own small way, much like the shepherds and wise men standing on either side of him. As the music swelled and the lights faded at the conclusion of the nativity scene, the boy got up without a word and quietly walked away with a smile back to his family. This private moment of faith and devotion I was so privileged to see totally changed my perspective on the Christmas season. I will forever be grateful for that small boy who was unashamed and so willing to serve and honor his Savior. I pray that I may be able to kneel and awe at His feet often, unaffected by the world with a heart full of gratitude and devotion. The little boy truly was a wise man in his own right and I am so blessed to have seen this small scene to remind me of how to keep Christ in Christmas.

My friends, how will you worship him? What will you give? How will you thank Him for His life, love and sacrifice? How will you seek Him this season and always?

Please watch the top and bottom links-Both are beautiful illustrations of the Savior's birth

May this Christmas be one focused on the reason for the season. May you strive to seek Him now and always. 

Merry Christmas. May God bless you and yours always. 

I Should Have Just Stayed in Bed...

Sometimes it seems like Monday mornings are pre-destined to be tornadoes of terrible circumstance. 

You know what I mean- the mornings where all the little things that could possibly go wrong perpetuate into a hellish hurricane of lousy luck? Well readers, in a world where I honestly have no right to complain, I'd like to share the lamentations of a silly, single girl who had little rain cloud looming over her head this Monday morning, in hopes that you'll chuckle at my lunacy. 

After a long, emotional weekend dealing with enough emotional baggage to cripple a baby elephant, I crawled into my bed with weary limbs full of lead and an equally heavy heart. With barely enough energy to pull on pajamas, I pulled the covers over my head without a second thought. Thoughts that buzzed like a bustling beehive haunted my efforts to peacefully lull away to dreamland, so sleep was rough and the cat wasn't in the slightest amused. 

I awoke late the next morning, bleary-eyed, slack-jawed, hair on end, mascara remnants smeared down my pock-marked face like a zombie beauty pageant winner. Warmth encompassed my wary form beckoning me with angelic song "Stay. Your day will be better this way." 

After ten minutes of my shoulder deities ( I use this term VERY loosely) duke-ing it out, I decided it was better to suck it up, deal with what I've got, march forward, and take advantage of the day given to me. With few wardrobe changes and time quickly ticking on, I left the house with my hair a tangled mess, face barely covered up and eyes a bit more swollen than normal. I approached my clunker car with blind hope it survived the weekend. My front tire was almost deflated completely and I was already 10 minutes behind schedule to get to my class. I turned the engine over a couple times and finally got the thing to start and drove oh so slowly to a gas station a mile and a half away. Upon my arrival, I realized I didn't have ANY change. I went in, grabbed a soggy breakfast 'sandwich' that sat under a heat lamp a bit too long, and got some cash back so I could feed the Air pump machine. Grimy hands, dysfunctional hoses, silent Mormon curses, and a dollar in quarters later, I was on my way, albeit 15 minutes past class starting time. 

On my drive, I decided to test out my ninja skills. 

There is a reason why I am not a ninja. 

The sandwich- A "bacon, egg and cheese biscuit" sat sadly in plastic baggie on the passenger seat, looking soggy, bacon almost gray. The whole time I was filling up my tires I wished a hobo would have walked by so I could give him or her my expensive stomachache waiting to happen. Alas, none of my hobo friends emerged, and the sad, soggy sandwich sat and whispered in a smoky, trucker voice "Why not just take a bite, sweetheart? Who are you to turn your nose up at breakfast?"

The fat kid gave in. With one knee on the wheel, my hands ripped furiously at the tight plastic. I took a bite and gagged. The smoky trucker voice was laughing as I spat the congealed nastiness back to the plastic chasm from whence it came. I reached for a water bottle to wash away the taste of putrid breakfast from my palette and attempted to open the lid, while driving still with my knee. Water gushed through the seal, down to the natural point of flow... the crotch of my pants. I flew into a demented yoga-esque pose, nearly standing with my right foot on the pedal trying to avoid the waterfall cascading down my seat while keeping the speed limit and trying to forget the horrendous taste in my mouth, using one hand to steer, the other to wipe water away in vain like a lunatic. Five minutes later, I jumped out of my car to assess the damage, but my car was so dirty I couldn't see a reflection. I made a b-line for the nearest bathroom, up two flights of stairs and down a long hallway. I tried to frantically  use my bag to cover what moisture I could feel as I waddled toward the bathroom. I looked up to see an attractive, athletic  guy approaching me and I gave him a wan smile. He returned my smile with a shuddered grimace. I zoomed down the stretch of hall like a frazzled mess as I reached for the men's restroom door handle. I nearly screamed when I saw the blaring,unholy MEN'S sign as I started to open the door. Scarlet with embarrassment, I sprinted into the women's room to finally assess the damage. Luckily, you couldn't really tell where the water spilled because of the type of pants I was wearing, but I quickly found out why the gorgeous guy grimaced. I had leftover breakfast sandwich all over my face. 

I wouldn't smile back at me either.

I stood there, staring at myself in the mirror, not knowing what to do. 

So...I laughed. 

And laughed. and laughed. 

I picked up the little bits of dignity lying in pieces on the floor, wiped the CRAP off my face, slung my bag over my shoulder and behind, and marched to class with the hope its content would help me and my character, 20 minutes late.

 I sat at the back, pretending to be a shadow and blend into the gray walls. When class was over, I turned on the car and heard one of my brother's favorite songs and remembered it was Veteran's day and thought of my dear, sweet grandpa. I couldn't help but let the waves of memory wash over me like a rough stone by the sea as I sat solitary in the parking lot.   I drove home and missed my brother and grandfather so much I couldn't breathe. I sat and felt selfish for thinking these things, for feeling this way, for allowing myself to think of how crazy and awful my Monday had been in two hour's time, when I'm so blessed to live where I do, to have the freedoms to live and worship the way I do. 

I really am so blessed. 

But the urge to cry and assume the fetal position remained at the thought of more mania mounting on this Monday. So...I went home, and went back to my bed for a little bit to grant me more courage for more mishaps bound to happen later. ( And they did. I knocked over an entire bookshelf at JoAnn and a myriad of other objects while paroosing. I'm a hazard to bring to stores. Oh, and I cried looking at acne products and turned down time with a man to hang out with Mam after declaring earlier that I could marry him.)   

Maybe someday I'll find out why I needed this Monday. Perhaps it was just to entertain you, which may be reason enough. (If I did, I'm happy you have found a little joy in my hilarium.) Bless you for reading. 

But really...all of this could have easily been avoided

if I had only just stayed in bed. 

The Perils of the Dating Swamp

I'm sick of trudging through the dating swamp, picking up warty toad after toad in pursuit of a prince. I'm up to my eyeballs in muck and I am losing what little patience I have left. Am I destined to become the exception to the rule that everyone has another half, doomed to wander in this swamp forever? Even 'swamp people' have someone!  I'm just finished with the games, the drama, and with feeling like I'm not worthy enough to be pursued.
 Please. I'm not a super model, but I'm pretty fantastic.
Why can't any guy who is NORMAL see that?
Ugh.

Autumn: A List.

Hey there, friends! IT'S OCTOBER!!!! FALLELUJAH!*squeals and leaps for joy* Which means that autumn comes on swift wings! (I know the first day of fall was in September, but it doesn't feel official until October for me.)
To quote one of my favorite literary heroines, I woke up this morning with this thought bursting from my lips.

Autumn is my favorite season of all time. I love the way it feels, smells, sounds and looks. It opens a doorway to the most exciting and special time of the year, ushering in change and improvement, togetherness, gratitude, love, and giving. I get to play all through autumn and then I get to celebrate Christmas too!? It's a dream come true every October.  But friends, I have come prepared. In case you aren't quite in the autumnal spirit, I've decided to compile a list of all the things I happen to adore about fall to try to get you there. You ready? *ahem*. 

AUTUMN: A LIST.

• sweaters
• scarves
• boots
• pumpkins of every shape, size and color
• pumpkin patches
• apple picking
• caramel and candied apples
• brisk nights under the stars in corn fields and apple orchards. 
• warm apple cider, hot cocoa, and fresh doughnuts
• vibrant reds, yellows, oranges of the changing leaves
• walking among tombstones as the leaves crunch beneath my feet
• hay rides and corn mazes
• smells of apple pies, pumpkin pies, and all manner of sweet treats baking. 
• homemade soup and warm bread
• crisp air that fills your lungs and makes you feel alive
• the tangible 'magic' looming in the air
• the promise and graceful embrace of change
• gathering of loved ones
• the smell of chimneys smoking 
• pumpkin carving and the  golden glow of jack o' lanterns on porch steps
• school! A return to learning 
• school supplies. I love, Love, LOVE school supplies. A bouquet of freshly sharpened pencils would be a lovely gift. 
• leaf fights!
• being engulfed into large piles of crackling foliage again and again and again. It makes raking worthwhile, you know.
• a hand in your pocket and one entwined with someone special to keep your fingers warm
• if you don't have a special someone, gloves are great too!
• pie is an art form all season long. It's a pie parade!
• sunflowers and mums
• it's a time where watching classic thrillers is encouraged. YAY for Hitchcock films, Arsenic and Old Lace and It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown! 
• speaking of pumpkin...every pumpkin dessert imaginable
• Thanksgiving. 
• curling up with a blanket, a good book, and with a warm cup of tea. 
• hikes among the trees and canyon drives to see a canvas of color
• fall carnivals and harvest festivals
• football games 
• rosy cheeks and pink noses
• General Conference!!!
• It's a whole SEASON of change, gratitude, togetherness, and love. 

Well friends, if that doesn't get you excited for fall, I don't know what will! If you think of more reasons why you love fall, comment below!  Autumn is out there, my beloved friends. Magic is in the air.  Go and play.

Puzzled.

                                  

I feel like I'm wandering through a picture as a fraudulent player. As if I'm walking in a reality that belongs to everyone else I see but me. Everyone has a place, a purpose, a home, where they  reside, thrive, belong. As I walk along, gazing into the lives of those who surround me, I feel like an intruder, observing special moments I shouldn't see. I'm surrounded by amazing friends, but that doesn't fill the void pulsating in the pit of my stomach that I don't belong here, like a homing device is going haywire in my chest pulling me everywhere and anywhere but here.

 Its like I'm a background piece of a puzzle, with similar foliage and coloring, but the edges don't align, no matter how hard you manipulate the situation. I'm in a phase of my life where it's hard to relate to others around me, especially since I've been "blessed" with such unique and difficult circumstances. Everyone exists in their perfect universe and when you don't live up the expectations of that universe, you're shunned, labeled, treated inferior. So you ignore it, brush it off, and keep pretending and/or move on in search of your pieces elsewhere.

 Days like today I want to throw my hands in the air and jump on a bus, plane, train heading to a bright horizon, a new start, preferably to Boston or New York or Bermuda where no one knows my name, my story, or anything that I've ever done or not done. Where I can have another chance to find out if I fit in another picture and be an actual player in the beauty instead of feeling like a washed-up fraud or an intrusive observer.  I guess that this is what being homeless must be like; forced to wander without knowing how long you'll have your bases covered and if you'll make it through , never fitting really, just existing like a fly on a wall. It's not ideal, but it's what I've got.  In the meantime, I'll make the best of this. I'll find my road, my new adventure. I'll get by another day knowing that someday I'll fit.  And that's enough, I guess. It has to be. 

Sanctifying September

 Hello readers. September is upon us. Summer is winding down, with Autumn closely at its heels. Change is whipping in the wind and it has already worked quite a number on me the past couple weeks. I don't wish to go into great detail about this time of great and abrupt development in my life, but with the changing of the seasons has come a great change in the season of my life, changes that haven't been the easiest to swallow.

It's been... a refining couple of weeks. I feel parts of me scorched, charred, purged, and purified. And how I hope and pray the pain is worth it.  I've felt moments of revelation, indignation, anger, utter loneliness, bitterness, betrayal, and hopelessness. I've cried far too much.  I've felt as if my heart has been stretched as thin as aged translucent paper, one pull away from ripping beyond repair.

 In turn, I've been blessed more than I could ever dream. I'm surrounded by those who love me, believe in me, and care for my well-being. I have a warm bed to sleep in, food in my belly, and hands to catch me if I fall. Most importantly, I've been given an opportunity to become the person that I want to become in the best manner, through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I've been able to go forward with faith in building my life on a sure foundation through the gospel of Jesus Christ. I get the opportunity to really seek him, to know him, and apply his healing balm on the festering wounds of my heart I never thought would heal. I'm finding as I do this, the chains that have bound me for years are slowly starting to fall and I'm able to move forward with a confidence I could not ever possess on my own. It's a hard and difficult process, but the Lord is blessing and sanctifying my feeble, human efforts.

 I am attending institute four days a week and learning of the nature of my Father in Heaven, His son and the incredible atoning sacrifice he made for all, of how I fit in His miraculous plan, and the skills I need to possess to be a righteous wife and mother in the trying days to come. I'm beginning to finally see the principle Thomas S. Monson taught, that" the future is  as bright as your faith." What a marvelous thing to witness.  I know that the Lord will not abandon those who put their trust in his ample arm, especially those who feel like they have no where to turn.  I was really touched by words spoken by  President Henry B. Eyring in April 2012 on the subject. The video posted below has helped me keep some perspective during this unexpected trial and I am so grateful for the strength it has granted me.  May his words help lift you if you are struggling and are unsure of where to go or how to proceed with the days ahead.

The gospel of Jesus Christ is true. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is infinite and intimate and can grant us the strength and courage we couldn't muster on our own. His way is the only way. It shapes us into the sons and daughters we were meant to be and helps make up the difference until we get there.  He will bless us and others as we step forward in faith to do His work upon the earth. May the Lord bless you in your endeavors to draw near unto him,  as he is so richly blessing me.
Until next time, may God bless you and those you love.

The Field is White and Ready to Harvest...

Hello readers. Today was a very special day for family. My little big brother received his mission call to serve as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints for 2 years. We all waited in agony for him rip the envelope and reveal where he would faithfully serve, and we all couldn't be more delighted and surprised. Elder Jacob Paul Jepsen will be serving in the New York Utica mission speaking English and will report to the Provo Missionary Training Center on November 13th. I was floored to know he'd be walking around the same streets I did almost two years ago. He'll have the same opportunity to fall in love with New York, its beautiful people, and see the how the gospel of Jesus Christ changes lives. Not to mention, he'll have some sweeeeet hookups and people to love him immediately because he's a Jepsen. ;) Seriously though, he'll never have to worry about anything. The members are AMAZING!

 I'm so overwhelmed, so happy, so thrilled for him and this experience. I love you, Jacob. You are truly an inspiration to me and I know that as you serve the Lord you and those you serve will be blessed tremendously for your valiant efforts. Thank you for the honor that you bring to our family, for your love and example, and for your amazing friendship. You are the best brother this crazy girl could ever ask for. I'm excited for the start of your incredible life. I'm so proud that you're starting it the best way you possibly could, in the service of your God.

God speed, Elder. I love you.

An Adventure, Twofold.

San Simeon Beach

Adorable Happy. (Total surfer magnet, BTW)

Pier at San Simeon Point. One of my favorite spots of all time.

Powell's Sweet Shoppe in downtown Paso Robles. A modern day Wonka Factory of Awesome. 

Sweet Salted Caramel and Dark Chocolate HEAVEN

          

Duckie's Chowder Shack in Cayucos. AMAZING food. Go. Now. 

This is my 'I'M SO EXCITED FOR FISH AND CHIPS I CAN'T BREATHE!' face.

Behold. Fish and chips in all of their glory. Seriously, the best I've ever let grace my lips.

Pier in Cayucos

Non profit Art Gallery. Fantastic work and people here. 

This is my beach face. 

 

Sunset on the way to Cambria Thursday. SO beautiful.  

This is my best bud and his gorgeous, incredible wife. Aren't they adorable?

Travel Log: Part II
Sunday: San Simeon Point
Monday: Errands,cleaning, freak out/ scolding. (Bad kids day)
Tuesday:Cayucos, CA
Wednesday:Downtown Paso Robles.
Thursday: Cambria night life.
Friday: Running, running, fuming, running...  

Hey pals! Ready for the second installment of my fantastical adventure?! Let's start on Sunday. I thought I'd take Happy to the beach because he had been on the best behavior ever. So we jumped in the blue pickup and hit the road. He sat in the passenger seat, tongue hanging loosely to the side, tail wagging, and eyes wide with excitement as the fresh sea air pelted our faces. He sat tall with his paw rested casually on my knee, so like an eager, love-struck man enjoying a casual adventure with his girl on a sunny afternoon. We zoomed through countless vineyards with rolling green and golden hills, misty hilltops, glades of lush oaks, winding narrow roads, and towering pines. We kept our eyes peeled for sparkling azure waves and the occasional zebra roaming with the horses near Hearst Castle. 
 We arrived at San Simeon, a dog-friendly, family friendly alcove; complete with fishing pier, picnic tables, a children's museum and a creek to wade in if the waves were a big deal. Next to Moonstone beach, this is my second favorite place to be. The water is pristine, the sand warm a midst black and green cliffs separating the sea from the road, and onlookers wander occasionally down the long stretch of rocky beach. After a lovely picnic lunch of gourmet peanut butter and honey sandwiches, Happy and I ran gleefully up and down the beach, playing tag with the roaring waves and each other. We slept under the sun, read together, met some new friends and climbed upon towering rocks as the salty spray whipped our faces and soaked our feet. After a delight-some, full afternoon, we climbed back in the blue pick up and puttered home. As if the day wasn't lovely enough, John Mayer's smokey voice echoed through the canyon on the cool, evening breeze as the sun set below the mountains. 
Monday was spent picking up poop, running errands, more poop, walking naughty dogs, and picking up more poop. Was I amused? I think not. 
Tuesday I needed to leave the house. So I jumped in the pick up again with my pal Happy and decided to go down the old highway to Cayucos. The day was colder and overcast, but I wanted to see what Cayucos beach was all about. First thing, I gave Happy some food and water and let him chill in the back with the windows blowing air through and walked back to my favorite chowder shack, Duckie's. The thought of not knowing when I'd have this beautiful food grace my lips again made me sad, so I ordered the fish and chips once more. I sat at a bar, in front of a window overlooking the beach. Sun-bleached and faded photographs of old sea vessels and fishing paraphernalia strewn the walls, people coming from every seam of the shack to greet old friends with hugs and smiling faces. My food arrived with a flourish and I relished every. single. bite.
Across the street, a non-profit art gallery held portraits of the roaring sea and its hearty, yet delicate, foliage, strange sculpture, and poignant pieces beautiful enough to make you want to cry. I purchased a hand painted water color original postcard and chatted a bit with the wonderful volunteer and wandered out the door delighted, with a brighter hope for the world. I grabbed Happy and wandered down to the gray sand and swelling waves speckled with families and children screaming with delight. We watched a senior tai chi class, exhales lost amid the whistling wind and crashing waves. We played tag again between the tangled mess of seaweed and made friends with adorable surfers.( Happy was quite the surfer magnet. These sun kissed Adonises in surfer suits would come out of nowhere to pet and compliment my "awesome dog" as he showed off and listened oh so well. Needless to say, I didn't mind one bit. )  I watched happy children giggle as their mother's held tightly to their pudgy fingers and kiss their cheeks. I spent the afternoon people watching and daydreaming of my family in the future. 

Wednesday I spent the day cleaning like a mad woman, but escaped as twilight started to settle in the valley. I wandered to down town Paso Robles to visit my favorite sweet shoppe, Powell's. Inside is a miniature Wonka Factory, candy and sweets covering every inch of wall space, glittering counters and overflowing tables.  The 1970's classic, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory plays and echoes through the shoppe, completing the atmosphere of wonder and delight of a world of sweets. Handmade chocolates and bon bons sit in pretty wrappers, candy dispensers line every wall neatly, new and vintage candies are showcased everywhere. At the heart of the store stands the holy of holies; a local authentic gelato counter, made with fresh, California flavors. I tried a shovelful of the sweet, salted caramel and the purest dark chocolate. I sat in the park across the street, watched the sunset and scooped the airy goodness into my mouth as the light of the day faded and the golden lights flickered on the quaint town square. OH, and did I mention I heard Van Halen play live? Sick. 

Thursday was the day Mam and Lindsey and Micah would make the journey westward and we'd spend the day in Morro Bay. Due to crazy flight delays, they weren't able to make it until late afternoon, early evening. Mam felt bad, so she and I jumped in the rental car and drove to Cambria to say goodbye before my flight the following morning. As we drove along the winding highway, the sun put on display unlike one I'd never seen before. Vibrant red, gold and orange lit up the sky, purple and silver hues caressing the outermost edges of the wispy clouds floating overhead. The air caught in my throat as I sat in awe. We arrived at moonstone beach as dusk kissed the sea and the tide crashed upon the jagged rocks. I blew a kiss to the invigorating breeze with a happy heart and the promise of eventual return and turned into the twilight toward town. After a dinner of warm pizza and laughter, Mam and  I headed back to Paso with the stars blazing overhead. 
Friday was a day filled with running, delays and frustration. Halfway to the airport, I realized I was without my wallet, phone and boarding pass. Luckily, we were able to turn around and get me to the air port in the knick of time, only to realize that my flight would be delayed for nearly two hours. By the time I got back to Vegas, we taxed on the tarmac for another 30 minutes or so. I sprinted through the airport to get to my ride, hug my friend goodbye and get stuck in an hour of bumper to bumper traffic and travel to get back to a best friend's wedding in St. George that started at 5. Needless to say, I showed up to the wedding looking like a disheveled hobo right as the bride and groom were leaving. It was crazy. BUT! They were adorable and I'm so lucky I got to see them before their departure. 

That...was pretty much my adventure house sitting. Well, the happy, great parts, anyway. I hope you enjoyed reading about it as much I enjoyed living it. If you ever get the chance to go to Cambria, Morro Bay, Paso Robles area, GO. It's gorgeous, wonderful, peaceful and a piece of heaven here on Earth. Remember the beauty of exploration and culture. Go find it. :) Until my next adventure kids. 

California dreaming

The kids and I last year! Kamper and Happy photo cred. Abbs 

Hi readers.  I guess it has been a while since my last post. I have to say already that this is bound to be a unique experience in and of itself because I'm  composing this entirely from my phone in Paso Robles, CA.

Why am I in such a lovely place,  you ask? I have the fortune of being a zookeeper for a week, so to speak.  Okay, its not like THIS zoo, but you catch my drift.   The zoo is very small... 3 dogs, 3 grown cats, 8 kittens and any other animal that wanders to the front door. My mission? To ensure they do not starve, learn some things,  and have someone to play with every now and then. Can I just tell you, vacations are incredible things for the soul. Especially ones that include beach time and a house to myself for a week. Ready to hear of my adventures so far?
Travel Log: 
 WEDNESDAY I flew from sweltering Las Vegas airport to balmy Santa Maria, California and asked myself why on earth I ever left. Mike picked me up and headed straight to the shelter to pick up foster kittens. Then we headed for Cayucos; a small town so close to the beach, you can put your arm out the window and stick it in the glistening blue waves. We dined at Duckies- a beach front restaurant 500 yards away from the surf that prides themselves on freshness and deliciousness. I didn't hesitate to try their fish and chips and boy, it didn't disappoint.  The fish was so fresh and flaky and the fries were out of this world!  Bah.  SO. GOOD.  I'm definitely returning with one of the puppies and enjoying a whole day.

Thursday I became more familiar with the tasks at hand and spent one last day with Deb and Mike before they set out on their excursion to Mexico.  I also ventured to the bustling hive of  Walmart to buy some food so I wouldn't starve-I don't want to eat beans everyday. (Deb and Mike are vegan). It was a unique experience, as all ventures to the big box store generally are. A strange man in a ball cap and shades came up to me in the woman's section while looking for a swimsuit. (The hanger was around my neck to check the fit and I was looking down when this man seemed to appear out of the racks like a genie)  He looked in my cart ( I mean, REALLY LOOKED), gave me an exasperated look, and told me not to buy corn. Apparently Von's had them 5 for a dollar and I was crazy for thinking to buy them at Walmart. He then turned away and disappeared, probably to spread the bad corn omen elsewhere. To add to the strangeness, there was hardly any produce, everything was in refrigerated cases and they didn't have grocery bags. (Its a law in this county, apparently.)

Yesterday I awoke very early due to three furry alarm clocks and sat around wondering what on earth I was going to do with myself for a week alone. After flirting with the idea of being exceptionally lazy, eating junkfood all day, and editing and cleaning to pass the time,  I packed a bag and headed to Cambria for lunch on the beach. Oh, and if you've never been to Cambria, it's breathtaking. It's got blue pines and rolling golden hills on one side, a blue green beach on the other. Definitely worth the drive. (sorry for diverting)
 I hung out by the jagged rocks and tide pools for a bit as the waves crashed to and fro. I love watching the life flit around the pools and marveling at how small I am in the scheme of things. A couple of adorable harbor seals kept eyeing me suspiciously. I suspected they were plotting sneaky ways to take me with them to their underwater Seal Prince to become his new wife or baby seal trainer. They already managed to secretly kill my phone battery with their cute, intent gazes. They could have had a mind melting ray under those waves too and I could have said Sayōnara to civilization as we know it! So, to avoid possible underwater abduction, I jumped back in the pickup and cruised back to my favorite beach spot. I broke out my lunch, wrote letters, napped under the sun's warm rays, and tried to remember the crash of every wave. It was wonderful. I'm definitely spending another day in Cambria. Shopping is definitely on the list.

Yes. They really look like this. Seriously the cutest seals ever. 

 I got a bit roasted yesterday, (not to mention, the dogs beat me up this morning) so I'm taking it easy,  running a couple errands, cleaning things up and just hanging out with the kids today. Sunday is San Simeon Beach/pier with Happy . I'm super excited. I'm not reunited with human interaction until Thursday.I'll keep you updated on any other misadventures! Keep it real, readers!

Being silly at Mandy's. Ready to fly to paradise!

Kamper is adorable. When she sleeps. :) Naps are a favorite past time here.  

Super excited to have this amazing lady join me!  5 more days!

working on the sparkle.

I am sometimes disillusioned when it comes to the world.

 In my mind, dreams and desires take on a certain sheen, a sparkle and brilliance, so to speak. Scenarios and visions of how I imagine events to be shine in the stage of my mind and when things don't turn out the way I envision them to be, the world as a whole loses some of the magic and sparkle it once contained. Each disillusionment leeches away hope and belief in the human race, sullies dreams and my ambition to get lost in the world and lift others in the process. 

Now, I don't want you all to believe that everything in my head looks like a sitcom from the 50's. I'm not that disillusioned.  But it seems that when I do venture out into the world, my expectations are often brighter than the actual happenstance. Perhaps it is just the life that I lead...but I've realized that when I get to the crossroads of dream becoming reality, (an instance that often sneaks upon me and isn't ceremonious, almost utterly ordinary and unremarkable)I'm faced with a choice. Be disappointed in the world, all its inhabitants and die early because my cynicism leads me to believe that I'll die sooner or later anyway, or rejoice anyway and work on adding some of the sparkle back into the world. 

Life is what we make it. Granted, life won't always lead up to our expectations. It never will. It wouldn't be hard or worthwhile if that was the case. We have to focus on the sparkle left in the world and create as much as we can; with our goodness, our light, creativity, smiles, love, and ability to embrace life as it comes. I want to dance under the stars more, soak up the sun, discover, learn, make connections with people from all walks of life, lift hands, share my talents and enjoy the beauty of others', really recognize and embrace the happy times when the wistfully float by, and do my best to notice the sparkle in the every day moments that come my way.

 By acknowledging the sparkle sent to us, the easier it is to reciprocate the sparkle. 

The sparkle equals good things in life-simple pleasures, love, serving and loving others and our true selves, living in the small moments, the sunshine, and the joy of having blood race through our veins,thoughts flit in and out of our minds, and using our abilities to communicate those thoughts to beautify the world around us. The blessing of being here and learning, growing, and becoming.  It's what I'm working on, so I in turn, may sparkle too.  Don't dwell in the limelight of cynicism. It creates and perpetuates ugliness in your life and is toxic to others around you. It may seem easy, but isn't worth it.   Sparkle wherever you stand. Share it wherever you wander. Cultivate it. Create it. Exude the love that has so graciously been given to you, and others won't be able to resist doing the same. And there's nothing more beautiful than that.

Grow.Embrace. Delight. Love.Smile. Sparkle. 

I just want to be okay

*DISCLOSURE* I'm apologize in advance for the avalanche of word vomit about to ensue. Close the tab now while you still have a chance! 
Is it okay that I don't feel okay?
Is it okay to just start spouting obvious lies like 'This summer I'm running away with the circus to become an acrobat because I enjoy hanging from vertical bars a hundred feet in the air.', 'I'm really a fairy from a mystical land, but I was placed in this wretched place by an evil queen.' "I'm allergic to the sun, so I have to live with my parents." Or 'I'm hopping on a plane to Belarus to become a bar wench because its a bit less embarrassing  than my current reality.' ?
I know that I'm blessed to live in a free country, in a home with air conditioning and food in the pantry. I know that I'm lucky I don't have to pay rent right now. I have the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life.
But I'm not happy.
I feel alone. I feel anxious and extremely frustrated. I feel angry, sad, lost, and restless all at once.  I hate that I'm human but am too proud to admit that I need people sometimes. I hate that I feel this way.  I want a  best friend. Someone to hug me, BE HERE WITH ME, not judge me for my obvious imperfection, and help remind me of where I'm going.
I want a new adventure. I want a new city, where no one knows my name. I want to feel the wind blowing through my hair and the sea breeze caressing my face again.
I want to permanently break the chains that are holding me here. I want to not be afraid of freedom.
I want to stop feeling like a total failure all the time. I know its all up to me.
But I need to know if it's okay to feel like this? Am I justified in feeling completely and utterly trapped? Like all my light is being squelched and that I am supposed to fade into the shadows, never to re-emerge?
I know I shouldn't wallow. I should just try to see the bright side, look forward, and stop being such a sissy. I am the feminist saying that I am going to make my own happy ending. But is it okay to just throw myself on an inanimate object and cry like my Disney princess counterparts? I'm so tired of having to be strong, of having to fix EVERYTHING all the time. I'm sick of being overlooked, of giving all that I have and no one caring. I want so bad to have something concrete in my life. I'm sick of mourning. For my heart hurting so bad that I can't breathe. I'm sick of having to be brave when I don't want to be and having to lie to myself to make it through the day. I'm sick of being scared. I'm sick of the me that I currently am. I'm sick of feeling like it'd take a miracle to fix me and everything else, so I get overwhelmed and don't.  I know I am meant to do so much more, to be so much more. I'm just...not.

I'm sick of pretending, of making myself believe things that simply aren't true.  I'm not okay.
I'm not okay today.

Easter Velociraptor Poem

Yes...I know it is NOT Easter,  but I promised a few souls that I would eventually write this epic poem. SO, here goes!

*clears throat*

A velociraptor traipsed through a forest glade

And came across some brightly colored eggs a bunny made.

Instead of gobbling the small treats placed delicately in the flower bed,

He snarffed  the legendary bunny up instead!

When the lizard saw all the goodies that would be laid to waste,

He devised a plan and made great haste.

He donned some spiffy rabbit ears and a fluffy tail,

Grabbed the basket and without fail,

Slunk from house to house to deliver the treats inside the bunny's pail.

He knocked politely on each cottage door,

Smiled crookedly, and knocked each child to the floor

Awarding each one their special Easter treat

And leaving quickly in search of  more tasty morsels to eat.

Soon, the beast's basket began to look bare

And the cottages of the villagers who once dwelt there.

The raptor stood and scratched his head,

 Looked around at all the dead,

 And began to think as the sun went down

Of how many children were waiting for the Easter bunny in the next town.

So with a twinkle in his eye and toothy grin,

the Easter Velociraptor stalked off into the sunset to celebrate his new favorite holiday once again.

Tah-dah! 

There you have it folks- a somewhat epic poem about a horrific event in history. 

Be grateful that bunnies can reproduce quickly...and that there was an Ice Age. 

Happy Easter when it comes...again!