Safe Arrival

Well friends. It's official. I am now in New York. Ta-Dah! *fanfare ensues* Crazy, huh? I keep looking around like this is some dream that I'll wake from at any moment. But its real. The wood floors are real, the humidity is real, the rolling green lawns and trees are real, this family, this situation is real. What I'm here to do is real. It's been a battle the whole time getting here. But as I sit here, pinching myself in the wee hours of the morning, I know that this is where I'm supposed to be. And I had better make the most of every moment that I am given. 

THIS is the house that I am living in. I'll be sure to post some pictures soon. This just will give you an idea of what the neighborhood looks like and essentially what the house looks like. Enjoy. I've never really been so happy for a safe arrival. Its strange to think that I'll actually be DOING what I was sent to do this time. I'll keep you posted on what that exactly entails, my first day etc. etc.

 Until then, I'd like to share something with you. Right now I'm reading a book entitled The Alchemist. The book tells the story of a Spanish shepherd boy who sets out to find his dream and the 4 steps all dreamers face. It's incredible, I highly recommend it. I sat there on the plane reading this story and could relate to the steps he'd taken, felt his sorrows, highs and lows, constantly relating my moment to the one he was in. I truly was inspired to pick it up when I did before my plane left from SLC. YAY for tender mercies! Readers, it wasn't easy to get to this point, but I'm discovering that if you wish to really gain a reward- whether it be through learning, love, or adventures across the country, there usually is a form of sacrifice involved (to more clearly see my point read Joseph Smith's 6th Lecture on Faith). You read of it in the history books, in The Alchemist, the gospel and see it in anything worthwhile. I want to share with you something I wrote on the plane fighting those thoughts in my head. It was a victory against Satan that I think can benefit others who may read this in the future.

 'I never thought that after nearly a year after my trip to England I would be back on a plane flying to a far off place almost as foreign- New York. I've been contemplating the importance of dreams, of fighting for the pursuit of them, of aligning your heart and your will with God's, and watching miracles occur before your very eyes. I also think that my Father in Heaven has a more clear idea of what my dreams are, and now i'm finally at a point in my life where I can begin to accomplish the things I was called to do in this life. I've no idea what things await me in New York. I just know that my Father is with me, guiding me by the hand.  Whenever I take these trips, I suddenly become aware of the beauty of life- His children, of their dreams, how our lives are intricately knit together, of time, this planet and the universe. I can't help but feel a bit small, but so blessed to know that my Father knows me, loves me, is guiding me and with the Spirit I can perform his works among his children no matter where he takes me. I'm excited for the adventures I'll have, the people I'll meet, the things I'll discover and learn and the person I'll become because of this decision to do God's will. It's funny how dot people try to belittle you when you're on the precipice of taking a giant leap of faith to do the right thing- something you KNOW is a good thing that will help you expand, grow, and take the knowledge that you've gained thus far and put those truths into practice, but because its comfortable, you second guess, doubt, and fear. I pray that I will learn to toss aside living until I'm comfortable. "Deep water is what I am wont to swim in." I have already begun leading a life of shattering the fish tanks of limited perspective. I know too much of what I have, of who I am and of my Father in Heaven to just sit and let life happen to me. I want to tell people. I want to be led by his spirit to do his will, lift the hands that hang down and lift the feeble knees. I pray that I'll be open to insight and learning to discover the things He'd have me know so I may be a better disciple of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  Satan keeps placing thoughts in my head that this plane will crash and plummet to the Earth because I am on this flight and I bring bad luck and dispair, that I'll never live up to the lofty dreams in my head. And this is where I  yell "STOP! Who are YOU to tell me that I am nothing, small, weak, insignificant, dowdy and incapable of living the dreams I desire, of loving those I wish to love and making a difference in this world?! Exactly. You are nothing. I have the Greatest of all beings on my side, the beginning and the end. My Eternal Father-King of Heaven and Earth fortifying and blessing my journey. And you are merely a voice, filled with nothing that will fade with all those empty things you know will bring about the destruction of men, if they choose to listen. Leave me. I am about my Father's business and I intend to do it with ALL that I possess. He will help me every step of the way as long as I remain worthy of His Holy Spirit. And I am excited for all that he has in store for me and the children I'll have the privilege of meeting that are waiting along my path. That, is a lot more than you'll ever have. So don't waste my time. I have important work to do for my Father. " 

So with that, I invite you to do the same, to block out the words of deceit and unrighteousness, to take a stand, to be free. I pray that your lives are ones where you seek to accomplish the dreams in your heart and God's will for you. Until next time readers,  

Road Trip(s)!

Many exciting things have happened since I wrote last. I went to California, played on the beach and soaked up some of the sun's rays, had a blast in Disneyland, went to Neverland on the Peter Pan ride, barely escaped the clutches ghastly ghosts, pesky pirates, snakes, broken haunted elevators, enraged natives, man eating piranhas, crowds, abominable snowmen, and of course, the temple of doom. Oh and careened off a huge raging waterfall into a brier patch several times. The perfect day in Disneyland ended with fireworks (my favorite), getting hit on, eating a massive cookie in pooh corner and catching a bus back to our hotel wetter than a drowned rats. All in all, it was epic.

The best part was going with Natalie and her adorable children. Her kids had never been to the fantastical, magical place. So seeing their reactions the whole time was absolutely wonderful. It made me reflect a lot about my future, things I wanted to do with my children, things I wanted them to experience, things I wanted to teach them. I am so excited for that day when I finally get to do those things with them, watch them experience the magic and wonder of childhood. And although my baby hunger was hardly ever satiated while waltzing all around strollerland for days on end, I knew that one day my time would come. Someday. But now is not that time. I have many things to learn and experience, relationships to foster, people to meet teach,and grow from, mountains of homework looming in the distance,hands to hold and lift, places to see and crazy things to experience. There's a pang in my heart not knowing when that day will finally arrive because the thought and prospect of a family of my very own keeps me going when I'm wading through the muck of the world. But it'll come. Plus I'm still a baby. 20? Come on! I've got a lot of life to live. Moving on.

So after just a few hours being home, I packed my bags again and headed through the beautiful canyons of Zion National Park to Clear Creek Ranch for a Youth For Freedom Conference. Little did I know that this week was going to essentially change my life. I was able to break through barriers that I've built and rebuilt over the years. I've never felt so light, so free, in my entire life. It was absolutely amazing and I'm so excited to return to all of my incredible friends in a few weeks.

...just found this. Figured I'd better post it. haha

Ruminations from a Rainy Afternoon

I love the rain- the smell, walking in it, being soaked to the bone. I especially love cold rain. The icy drops pierce the skin, like bitter tears from heaven, that wash away the filmy residue of the world. I love dancing in it, racing in my puny car as it comes down in droves, standing alone as the drops burst and encompass my shell, drenching me til the cleansing elixir sends ripples through my sullied soul. The rain makes me feel alive. Small. Hopeful. Recommitted. Significant. Like I am a very important part of a watercolor painting God created.

For the first time in a while, I feel that with all that I am. Today, I went and did my dental examination to finish up my mission papers. Everything went smoothly, no cavities to report. I can't tell you how incredibly excited I am.

I made a goal a long time ago that I would have my papers completed by the end of May 2011. After swimming in a sea of doubts, fears, false perceptions and foolish notions, I became tired and didn't feel like I could serve a mission. I kept thinking that church officials would take one look at my papers and dismiss me as a menace, a criminal. Unfit to serve and clearly too mental to preach the word of God. Filling out the papers honestly, truthfully and sincerely has been SO hard. I felt flawed, crazy, impossible. Turning in my papers would be complete and utter submission- A commit-a-phobe's greatest nightmare. The ghosts of my past dwelt in the convoluted crags of my mind, hanging like thick and sickly blankets. I keenly attempted to ignore them, forget their existence, but just like cobwebs, they seemed to only stick around and expand. So, I decided to deal with them. I started my papers to see with my own eyes what I'd have to conquer. I was shocked at the depth and detail I would have to divulge. I felt like I hit another brick wall, like finishing them would be utterly impossible. After attempting to do things by myself, slacking for weeks, and finally realizing that I needed help, I went to those dear friends I love so much and My Father in Heaven for guidance and assistance. The support that I craved so much really was there. I just had to recognize it and ask for it.

Tyson literally had to sit me down and walk me through it. I was able to get through the toughest part for me- re-living and writing a concise version of the nightmare I lived in November. I'm worried about what the church will have me do there, but we'll just have to see what happens. But it was so much easier for me to write it with him there, a quiet, encouraging voice urging me to keep going. I'm so grateful to him, to Moth-er and Fath-er, Terynn,Te, Tasia, sweet family members and so many others cheering here on earth and in heaven to continue to push forward, reach for my dreams and achieve them. I can't tell you how relieved I feel to know that this is really going to happen. I'm going to get my papers done by the end of this month. I'm going to serve Him faithfully for 18 months and for the rest of my life. I'm going to accomplish the things my Father in Heaven would have me do. I'm going to live my dreams and help as many people in this life as I possibly can. My heart is light, happy and full. I have things to offer.

I love people. I love learning about their journeys, triumphs, failures. I love this gospel with all that I am. I know that it is true, that it is as real as the air I breathe. It is the foundation of everything, and is my sure foundation. I love how its shaped and changed my life, and love seeing it work for good in other people's lives. I know what it feels like to dwell in darkness, to be without hope. I want to be able to share the light that can bring His children out of that encompassing void of depression and sin. I know that He is preparing His children to receive the goodness of the gospel and I know that there are people being specifically prepared for what I have to teach them. And I can't wait for the opportunity to finally do so.
I love my Father in Heaven with all of my heart and I know He loves me more than I can comprehend. I have been privileged enough to feel that influence dwell upon me the past couple days and I've never felt so fantastic. I pray that I may be able to keep this spirit alive in my heart, to let it guide my thoughts, actions, convictions, desires, hopes, and dreams. I pray that I can continue to move forward, complete my papers and do the things He'd have me do. I'm excited for the journey ahead and I'm grateful to you for supporting me and cheering me on. Much love, readers. Keep smiling, giving, loving. It brings the greatest joy and blessings. Until next time,

New Developments

Hello Readers. I've currently had this issue where I've felt like I've been floating around aimlessly, kind of like plankton in a swirling ocean. After England completely flopped, I was lost. I didn't know where I was needed or where I was going. I had a mountain of decisions. I hadn't registered for the next semester yet, my family was moving, I lost my job, and an adorable boy kinda sorta stepped in the picture. Cedar, Salt Lake or St. George. So after a month or so of fasting, praying, soul searching, and telling people about my situation, on Christmas day I felt like I needed to make a decision and stick to it. So, as of late, I'm going to be staying in St. George. I feel that this is where I can do the most good, where I can flourish and grow, and where my support is. I'm looking for another job currently, preferably two, transfer to Dixie and take some night classes, and I can submit my mission papers as early as April 12th. I'll be staying with the Christensen family, which I'm so excited for. I"ll be able to start getting into missionary mode, break into good eating, exercise and study habits and just generally work on myself. I'm so excited. Just thought you should know! I'll keep you updated on everything. About the move, classes, jobs...everything. Until then readers, peace