Ruminations from a Rainy Afternoon

I love the rain- the smell, walking in it, being soaked to the bone. I especially love cold rain. The icy drops pierce the skin, like bitter tears from heaven, that wash away the filmy residue of the world. I love dancing in it, racing in my puny car as it comes down in droves, standing alone as the drops burst and encompass my shell, drenching me til the cleansing elixir sends ripples through my sullied soul. The rain makes me feel alive. Small. Hopeful. Recommitted. Significant. Like I am a very important part of a watercolor painting God created.

For the first time in a while, I feel that with all that I am. Today, I went and did my dental examination to finish up my mission papers. Everything went smoothly, no cavities to report. I can't tell you how incredibly excited I am.

I made a goal a long time ago that I would have my papers completed by the end of May 2011. After swimming in a sea of doubts, fears, false perceptions and foolish notions, I became tired and didn't feel like I could serve a mission. I kept thinking that church officials would take one look at my papers and dismiss me as a menace, a criminal. Unfit to serve and clearly too mental to preach the word of God. Filling out the papers honestly, truthfully and sincerely has been SO hard. I felt flawed, crazy, impossible. Turning in my papers would be complete and utter submission- A commit-a-phobe's greatest nightmare. The ghosts of my past dwelt in the convoluted crags of my mind, hanging like thick and sickly blankets. I keenly attempted to ignore them, forget their existence, but just like cobwebs, they seemed to only stick around and expand. So, I decided to deal with them. I started my papers to see with my own eyes what I'd have to conquer. I was shocked at the depth and detail I would have to divulge. I felt like I hit another brick wall, like finishing them would be utterly impossible. After attempting to do things by myself, slacking for weeks, and finally realizing that I needed help, I went to those dear friends I love so much and My Father in Heaven for guidance and assistance. The support that I craved so much really was there. I just had to recognize it and ask for it.

Tyson literally had to sit me down and walk me through it. I was able to get through the toughest part for me- re-living and writing a concise version of the nightmare I lived in November. I'm worried about what the church will have me do there, but we'll just have to see what happens. But it was so much easier for me to write it with him there, a quiet, encouraging voice urging me to keep going. I'm so grateful to him, to Moth-er and Fath-er, Terynn,Te, Tasia, sweet family members and so many others cheering here on earth and in heaven to continue to push forward, reach for my dreams and achieve them. I can't tell you how relieved I feel to know that this is really going to happen. I'm going to get my papers done by the end of this month. I'm going to serve Him faithfully for 18 months and for the rest of my life. I'm going to accomplish the things my Father in Heaven would have me do. I'm going to live my dreams and help as many people in this life as I possibly can. My heart is light, happy and full. I have things to offer.

I love people. I love learning about their journeys, triumphs, failures. I love this gospel with all that I am. I know that it is true, that it is as real as the air I breathe. It is the foundation of everything, and is my sure foundation. I love how its shaped and changed my life, and love seeing it work for good in other people's lives. I know what it feels like to dwell in darkness, to be without hope. I want to be able to share the light that can bring His children out of that encompassing void of depression and sin. I know that He is preparing His children to receive the goodness of the gospel and I know that there are people being specifically prepared for what I have to teach them. And I can't wait for the opportunity to finally do so.
I love my Father in Heaven with all of my heart and I know He loves me more than I can comprehend. I have been privileged enough to feel that influence dwell upon me the past couple days and I've never felt so fantastic. I pray that I may be able to keep this spirit alive in my heart, to let it guide my thoughts, actions, convictions, desires, hopes, and dreams. I pray that I can continue to move forward, complete my papers and do the things He'd have me do. I'm excited for the journey ahead and I'm grateful to you for supporting me and cheering me on. Much love, readers. Keep smiling, giving, loving. It brings the greatest joy and blessings. Until next time,