Ruminations from a Rainy Afternoon

I love the rain- the smell, walking in it, being soaked to the bone. I especially love cold rain. The icy drops pierce the skin, like bitter tears from heaven, that wash away the filmy residue of the world. I love dancing in it, racing in my puny car as it comes down in droves, standing alone as the drops burst and encompass my shell, drenching me til the cleansing elixir sends ripples through my sullied soul. The rain makes me feel alive. Small. Hopeful. Recommitted. Significant. Like I am a very important part of a watercolor painting God created.

For the first time in a while, I feel that with all that I am. Today, I went and did my dental examination to finish up my mission papers. Everything went smoothly, no cavities to report. I can't tell you how incredibly excited I am.

I made a goal a long time ago that I would have my papers completed by the end of May 2011. After swimming in a sea of doubts, fears, false perceptions and foolish notions, I became tired and didn't feel like I could serve a mission. I kept thinking that church officials would take one look at my papers and dismiss me as a menace, a criminal. Unfit to serve and clearly too mental to preach the word of God. Filling out the papers honestly, truthfully and sincerely has been SO hard. I felt flawed, crazy, impossible. Turning in my papers would be complete and utter submission- A commit-a-phobe's greatest nightmare. The ghosts of my past dwelt in the convoluted crags of my mind, hanging like thick and sickly blankets. I keenly attempted to ignore them, forget their existence, but just like cobwebs, they seemed to only stick around and expand. So, I decided to deal with them. I started my papers to see with my own eyes what I'd have to conquer. I was shocked at the depth and detail I would have to divulge. I felt like I hit another brick wall, like finishing them would be utterly impossible. After attempting to do things by myself, slacking for weeks, and finally realizing that I needed help, I went to those dear friends I love so much and My Father in Heaven for guidance and assistance. The support that I craved so much really was there. I just had to recognize it and ask for it.

Tyson literally had to sit me down and walk me through it. I was able to get through the toughest part for me- re-living and writing a concise version of the nightmare I lived in November. I'm worried about what the church will have me do there, but we'll just have to see what happens. But it was so much easier for me to write it with him there, a quiet, encouraging voice urging me to keep going. I'm so grateful to him, to Moth-er and Fath-er, Terynn,Te, Tasia, sweet family members and so many others cheering here on earth and in heaven to continue to push forward, reach for my dreams and achieve them. I can't tell you how relieved I feel to know that this is really going to happen. I'm going to get my papers done by the end of this month. I'm going to serve Him faithfully for 18 months and for the rest of my life. I'm going to accomplish the things my Father in Heaven would have me do. I'm going to live my dreams and help as many people in this life as I possibly can. My heart is light, happy and full. I have things to offer.

I love people. I love learning about their journeys, triumphs, failures. I love this gospel with all that I am. I know that it is true, that it is as real as the air I breathe. It is the foundation of everything, and is my sure foundation. I love how its shaped and changed my life, and love seeing it work for good in other people's lives. I know what it feels like to dwell in darkness, to be without hope. I want to be able to share the light that can bring His children out of that encompassing void of depression and sin. I know that He is preparing His children to receive the goodness of the gospel and I know that there are people being specifically prepared for what I have to teach them. And I can't wait for the opportunity to finally do so.
I love my Father in Heaven with all of my heart and I know He loves me more than I can comprehend. I have been privileged enough to feel that influence dwell upon me the past couple days and I've never felt so fantastic. I pray that I may be able to keep this spirit alive in my heart, to let it guide my thoughts, actions, convictions, desires, hopes, and dreams. I pray that I can continue to move forward, complete my papers and do the things He'd have me do. I'm excited for the journey ahead and I'm grateful to you for supporting me and cheering me on. Much love, readers. Keep smiling, giving, loving. It brings the greatest joy and blessings. Until next time,

Meet the Robertsons

These adorable terrors are now my life. Aren't they so cute?! Meet the Robertsons, people! From left to right is Kade, who happens to be six years old, a fireball, a music genius, a sweetheart, who happens to have a need for speed. He really really likes driving my car, visiting grandma, going new places (one of which happens to be the library) helping out, and having fun. All the time. Kade is also a flirt. The first day I started working he asked if I was married and had kids of my own. When I said no, he was so upset. "why!? you're so fun! I wish you had kids! Then I'd have cool kids to play with! Yesterday he asked Are you ever going to have a baby? I want to see your baby. Lets just say we have awesome conversations. He is quick to love others and the first day I went home he told his mom I was the best babysitter he's ever had and wants to keep me around forever. The third night he missed me a lot. Essentially it was Kade that helped open the door to the others to like me. We're pretty tight buds. Must be a middle child thing. haha.

Next to Kade is DREW or Drewbee. Every time you ask him how he is he answers I'm two! bahaha He's absolutely way too cute for his own good. Drew has an insatiable need for speed, so he's constantly playing on his scooter, Handy Many ATV (its his bike), jumping off of things, wanting to ride in the car or running to and fro. Drew also likes music, Thomas the Train and anything associated with it, sings often, has quite the attitude that comes out when he starts to dance, is in love with Toy Story and likes to sit and mimic the motorcycles revving across the way at the Kawasaki bike shop. I'm guessing he's going to either be a stunt man, a pro BMX racer, or an accountant. He likes to count as he goes up and down the stairs. (Always starting with 6 of course I.e. siix, one, two, fooaah, free, seeeben, two, free, fooah, five, nine ten!) He also really likes girls. He'll be playing on the playground and just stop and walk up to them, stare at them in awe two inches away from their face and then proceed to chase them all over. A man in the making, right there.

Next to Drewbee is the awesome, adorable, sweet Riley. Riley is 8, is in second grade and is a genius. He's good at everything he touches, especially anything physical. His best friend and sometimes worst enemy is his brother Kade. I don't get to see Ri as much as I'd like to, but that'll soon change when school gets out in a couple weeks. He's also extremely energetic, pretty responsible and an amazing big brother.

All three kids are ADD (most likely ADHD) so its like watching six boys most of the time, but I love them already. This experience is already teaching me so much about how I will be as a future mother. I want to start implementing more structure for things- certain days to go and do things, activities for each day so they don't feel trapped. I'll get a rhythm going. I also have been trying to pace myself. They aren't all going to love and adore me at once, so I have to be patient and keep showing them my love for them in my actions and words. I hope that I can help these kids in different aspects of their life, but I want to be there for them, support them and love them, no matter what happens, no matter who I marry, where I go, the places i see. We'll see what the future holds for these amazing kids. I just want them to know that they are amazing and they have infinite worth. That's my prayer, at least. Here's hoping I wont ruin them! Keep it real readers!