Open Auditions: may work out under the table salary agreement

Okay. This is completely and utterly pathetic. It's a Friday night. Its 10 pm. I've already watched two episodes of Bones and Super 8,  made and eaten dinner, cleaned the kitchen, eaten some more,  ran some errands, and I'm still wired and bored out of my mind. 

The truth is, I need someone to share my company with. ( ***pause for desired effect and for pity to dig its grubby claws into innocent, charitable hearts***)

 I'm starting to go insane in this house. I may start talking to people who aren't there, or pick up knitting and become a psychotic cat lady.  I need breaks like any human being and actual intelligent human conversation! Perhaps an opportunity to hang my head out a car window and pant, run in a park, beg? Okay, I don't want you to treat me like a dog, but it's getting to the point that even that interaction would be pleasant. 

So, begrudgingly and with a mountain of embarrassment,  I extend this casting call to all those in the Salt Lake County/ Utah County area that would possibly want to audition to be a potential new best friend.  There are benefits! I do cook! I have a car. I spout out fountains of hilarium every so often. I'm a clutz, so I trip and look like an idiot all the time- you will never be bored! I'm nice and like listening to other people and I never smell like fish. Cons- I am a clutz, can't tap dance, don't know Justin Bieber, I don't like mushrooms, am ADD and OCD, I freak out if my elbows are touched and I may or may not attract all the freaks at Wal-mart whenever I walk through the doors. It's a strange phenomenon, but I've been told it IS an entertaining one at that.  Anyway, I know this  is super lame that I have to do this, especially since I belong to the phylum butterflyus socialus, but will you be my friend? Please?  If you're interested, or know someone who may be, let me know. 

Anyone?

Hello? 

Help?