Lost.

I'm feeling apprehensive, swimming in a sea of doubt while the gulls of reality ceaselessly try to peck out my eyes with their thoughts of reason. Just as the torture seems to ebb, the gulls swarm and dive again, cutting deeper. I just can't seem to wrap my head around it. England seemed so perfect- I was going to go, live life in a different world, meet new people, start out fresh, with no predispositions, expectations. Now...? I'm not so sure. I'm looking at all my options, trying to keep enduring and do all that I can- I'm keeping the commandments, attending the temple as often as I can, praying, reading my scriptures and trying my very best, but I cant seem to find direction. How could something that felt SO right be completely wrong? I really didn't want to go through another 'Maine' situation. I just feel so lost. I have no idea what to do with my life if I don't go. All I want is to be happy, to experience life to the fullest and help people along the way. I can do so much good! There are lots of different options, I just don't know which one the Lord wants me to do. I just hate telling people that I'm going to go and do something and not do it. I feel like I'm quitting, letting a dream die and crash into oblivion. I hate that word, worse than the dirtiest curse word you know. I don't quit. It almost seems like I don't have the guts to stick to my guns, to follow through. I just don't want to fade into the woodwork and become like everybody else. I want to learn and experience things for myself, see the world and reach for the stars. By not doing this it feels like I'm doing just that-quitting, throwing in the towel, surrendering and going against everything in my heart wants.That's all I've ever done, because I had to. I hate it. So much. The only reason I kept going, dreaming and trying was for the hope that someday I would be able to reach for the stars. The opportunities keep slipping through my fingers. I feel like a failure.